


Shooting Star

by Fox_155



Series: Heaven (NCT Hybrid AU) [4]
Category: NCT (Band), WAYV
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Dark, Depression, Eventual Fluff, Forced Prostitution, Healing, Hybrids, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mentioned NCT Ensemble, Other Ships Not Mentioned in Tags, Past Abuse, Past Sexual Abuse, Past Suicide Attempt, Slow Burn, Trauma, Violence, mentions of euthanasia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-17
Updated: 2019-06-15
Packaged: 2020-03-06 17:26:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 36,524
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18855637
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fox_155/pseuds/Fox_155
Summary: Yuta had permanent darkness lingering in his mind.Sicheng was scared of basically everything, including his own voice.Yuta seemed like the strongest, most positive person to Sicheng, the one never hesitating to try and cheer him up, despite often holding sadness in his own eyes.Sicheng seemed like the most creative, most precious person to Yuta, who captured what words couldn't say in his pictures, would have the most beautiful smiles for him despite being scared to even come close.Yuta learns that less is more, and Sicheng learns that hugs aren't scary.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I don't own any of the people and this story isn't by any means an accurate representation of the people by whom it is inspired by.
> 
> Hello, it’s me, the person who cannot let go of her AUs and has to write spin-offs. This is a prequel to [Moon Diamond](https://archiveofourown.org/works/17644265/chapters/41606183), it proooobably makes a lot more sense if you read MD prior to this. Chapter 1 is set in the January of the same year as Moon Diamond, so about 9 months prior and after I do a few time skips.
> 
> For visual reference, these are the hair, eye, tail, and ear colours I envisioned for the two:
> 
> [Yuta, Beagle](http://www.zooroyal.de/magazin/wp-content/uploads/2017/01/beagle-hunderasse-760x560.jpg)  
> [Sicheng, Dwarf Hotot](https://rabbitsforsaleinnebraska.files.wordpress.com/2014/12/172.jpg?w=640)  
> For everyone else, please check in the description of the series~
> 
> PLEASE MIND THE TAGS, I put in all TW in there, I really hope I got everything.
> 
> Re-worked Sept 2019

#####

Yuta stared at the ceiling. The room was cold, January air coming in through the closed window and pushing the temperature to uncomfortable levels.

His blanket was nice and warm.

His alarm blared again, and he slowly switched it off but didn’t move in any other way.

He had to get up. Have breakfast, go to work, have lunch, back to work, have dinner, then some fun dramas on TV with the others in the evening. Just another normal day.

However, it was like there was the weight of the universe on his body, keeping him in bed, under his blanket, where it was cosy and warm.

Today was a bad day, Yuta concluded. He knew, objectively, that he had to get up and it’d be better once he got started. But there was just no energy in his body.

Why even get up? What good reason was there?

He should just stay here, unmoving, all day, all week, until the end of times. It wouldn’t change anything. Actually… his whole life was just so meaningless.

Why even bother?

The ceiling had some sticky stars on it, but even counting them seemed too draining today.

His alarm rung again, but Yuta had the clock in his hand already and switched it off with barely the flick of a finger.

He’d feel better if he got up, he knew he would. But… it was hard.

What reason to get up was there today? What could he look forward to?

Yuta tried to think of something, tried to push past the sadness, the lethargy in his brain. Today was definitely a bad day. He blamed winter; the cold season always made it harder to find a reason to get up when he had bad days. It was dark and gloomy, the weather didn’t allow you to run around in the sun and recharge.

The sound of Jaehyun’s alarm went off. Where Yuta had a normal alarm clock that’d beep its way into your brain until you wanted to throw it out the window, Jaehyun used his phone. Today, it was the theme of Mission Impossible slowly picking up volume until Yuta heard his roommate stir and groan.

How fitting.

Right, today the American crime series was on, that Doyoung loved to watch. That was always very interesting, often thrilling as they all sat on the sofa and tried to connect the hints and get to the conclusion who the murderer was first.

That was something to look forward to.

Yuta slowly pushed himself into sitting position and shook his hair out. His ears flopped around and he rubbed his hands over them, finding the fur on the left completely messed up, sticking away weirdly. He must have slept on it at a bad angle.

Jaehyun finally turned off his alarm, but Yuta heard him huff and turn in his bed. For a second, he considered doing the same thing. It was inviting, so inviting. But then he thought of the crime mystery he’d get to solve in the evening, how Doyoung and Taeyong would be trying to best each other in guesses while Taeil was usually the one trying the least and still coming up with the most accurate assumptions.

Speaking of his owner, maybe Taeil had already made coffee. That was another thing to look forward to.

Yuta scooted to the ladder of the bunk bed and climbed down to the ground.

Jaehyun was completely buried in his blanket, only a bit of black and white hair seen on his pillow, but his tail was sticking out. It looked kind of funny. Yuta tried to smile. Smiling was good for your soul. It felt like a grimace because his head kept telling him there was no reason to smile, that he should rather go and cry, but he managed to pull the corners of his mouth upwards.

Good enough!

He picked white clothing and left the room he shared with Jaehyun to get into the shower.

 

When he exited the bathroom, he smelt coffee.

It always was easier once he had managed to leave the bed. Yuta shuffled into the kitchen, where Taeil was stirring breakfast soup, the rice cooker counting down next to him.

“Morning.” Taeil smiled at him “It’s cold today.”

“Yeah.”

“Hard to get up?”

“Yeah.” Yuta softly admitted. He knew he didn’t have to be ashamed. It was just his brain that didn’t produce enough hormones sometimes, it wasn’t his fault.

“Want some pets?” Taeil offered, taking the soup off the heat

“Yeah.” Yuta hurried over to stand next to him and Taeil immediately laced his fingers into his hair and started scratching the base of Yuta’s ears, while getting some bowls from the cupboard with his other hand. Yuta sighed in content. It felt good, but what was even more important was, that he felt loved. It was just a small show of affection, but it made all the difference.

The rice cooker beeped, announcing their breakfast was ready to eat, and Yuta slipped from Taeil’s touch to serve them both, plus Jaehyun.

“I heard there was a football hall opening on the weekend. Maybe we could go?”

“Yeah, I’d like that.” Yuta nodded.

“Good. That’s something to look forward to, then.”

It was.

 

Yuta reminded himself of that when he felt so inexplicitly sad and tired, the next morning, that even sitting up seemed too great a task to fulfil. He had something to live for on the weekend, something he didn’t want to miss.

Jaehyun’s phone started blaring the Minions’ Happy, and Yuta tried to take it to heart.

If only there was a switch, that’d set him to happy. He usually managed functioning, but happy?

He sometimes was. But it had been a few weeks since. It always came in waves, some only lasted a few days, some lasted for months. Right now, it felt like it’d never end, though, rationally, he knew it would eventually. He had to stay strong.

Yuta rubbed over his wrists but stopped himself when he realised what he was doing.

Think of the football hall, he reminded himself.

He was good at football, had been since little. He could kick the ball up on his foot more than 100 times, had good control as he dribbled over the field, not to mention he was a good scorer.

Jaemin was a better scorer, his mind supplied, but Yuta muffled the voice. He shouldn’t give it any power. If he listened to it, it’d get louder, louder, louder, until all he could hear were the doubts, the darkness, the sadness.

Jaehyun’s alarm went off again, meaning Yuta was running late.

 _Because I’m happy, clap along if you feel like a room without a roof…_ what was that even supposed to mean?

Whatever. Yuta sat up and crawled to the ladder of the bunk bed, climbing down. Jaehyun had gotten to the stage where the blanket was half-off, but he was clearly back to deep sleep just seconds after turning the music off. His mouth was gaping open and his ears were flopped upwards, like huge cat ears. Yuta smiled at how silly he looked.

Good. Today wasn’t going to be so bad if he could manage a real smile before even hitting the shower.

 

Yuta realised the bottle of shampoo was fresh when he picked it up and it was heavy. That was nice. He used a little more than he strictly needed. Indulge in small joys of life, he reminded himself. Little by little fills up the measure. By the time he was finished and stepped from the shower cubicle, Jaehyun had waddled into the bathroom, eyes still closed as he blindly found his way around.

“’rning.”

“Good Morning.” Yuta ruffled the younger Hybrid’s hair, who grunted and leaned into the touch. He felt a scab and pulled his hand from Jaehyun’s hair. “Remember the eczema treatment. No quick dressing and skipping it, okay?” They all knew he was slacking with his skincare at best - puberty was to be blamed… probably. Were you still in puberty at 18?

“Hmyeah.”

Jaehyun started stripping his clothing off and Yuta nodded, feeling satisfied, and left the humid and warm bathroom to head for breakfast.

 

Friday was arguably the most popular day of the week. The patients coming usually were in a better mood, anticipating the weekend. Sometimes, they were stressed when their Hybrids got sick or injured just before the two days off which they had plans for. But there were always some stressed owners, so that was normal.

Yuta liked the lighter mood the office usually was in, even though for them it wasn’t the last day of work because there were Hybrids to be taken care of on Saturdays, too. Actually, there also were on Sundays, but there was only so much work one doctor could do before literally collapsing.

Taeil had opened his own Hybrid clinic a few years ago, just after finishing residency. It wasn’t the typical way. Usually, young doctors would work for others for a few more years, pay off debt, get experience, before stepping into self-employment, if at all.

For Taeil, there was no clinic he wanted to work at, though. The thing was… Hybrids weren’t really treated all that well in their society.

Firstly, the public image was that they were basically big pets. Like the animals they got some of their appearance from, just a little smarter, but absolutely not as smart as humans. That was a lie, told not only to the humans but also to the Hybrids, who often lived their whole lives not knowing they could be more than basically a slave.

Behind that first level of problematic treatment, there was a huge black market, living off the abuse of them. Prostitution, theft, trafficking, fights, whatever else the mob bosses could think of that might make them money, they’d do it and get away with it.

The main problem was their status as animals, rather than humans, which meant that none of this was illegal. Some of it might be in the grey zone, but a lot was actually allowed, just because laws that’d protect humans didn’t apply.

That attitude was why Hybrids were treated in special clinics.

Of course, some things actually needed specialised doctors. A broken tail couldn’t happen in a human. But that wasn’t the day to day business. Yes, their altered DNA required drugs fit for their needs, but Yuta doubted a regular doctor would be overwhelmed by adding a few more to their regular portfolio. Many things needed to be looked up in daily life anyway, that was just normal. Looking up the human or the Hybrid version of something didn’t really make a big difference.

The special, separate treatment solidified their status was completely different from humans.

However, the biggest flaw in medical Hybrid care was the lack thereof. You could get a flu shot, coughing medicine, but if a Hybrid came with a chronic problem, like diabetes? Oh well, we can’t really treat that in Hybrids, and oh, don’t you think it’s a much too big strain on an owner to buy insulin EVERY DAY? That’s expensive! It’d be best for the Hybrid to be put down, often before they even reached their teens.

Yuta was glad to call a person that disagreed with that approach his owner, was proud to work with and for him as a nurse. As Taeil’s property, there was absolutely no reason to pay him for that. It wasn’t rare that Hybrids were used as unpaid workers, aka slaves. However, Taeil didn’t only pay him a fair wage, he even got vacation days – that he never used because Yuta was almost as much married to his job as his owner. Maybe not so much the job in particular – it was great, sure – but rather the routine it gave him. That was even more valuable to Yuta.

As it stood, Taeil was relatively alone with that standpoint of treating Hybrids like humans though, which was why he had quickly opened his own office where no one could make the rules for him.

The risk had played out well, Taeil’s consultation hours were long and usually booked start to finish because he had found a way to work with the stinginess of the owners while still finding the best treatment for more complicated cases that many doctors would simply put down. Even people that saw little emotional value in Hybrids and reduced them to monetary investments could appreciate that. A dead Hybrid was a bigger loss than one in which you had to invest a little for a treatment.

Between the three nurses, him, Jaehyun, and Seulgi, they usually switched the tasks every day. Today, Yuta was writing protocol. It was good because that was extra busy and he got to be with Taeil all the time, meaning there was no moment to stare too long at scalpels, out the window down the three-story drop, or pull his sleeves up and inspect the angry red scars on his wrists.

When he had bad days, he asked the others to get protocol writing duty. Just to keep himself safe. It had been embarrassing at first, felt like a weakness, surrendering to his own brain working against him.

But it helped.

It was what he needed, which was why he loved his work. It gave him a framework and a rhythm to live by. No unpleasant boredom, no wondering what to do with his time, few opportunities to slither out of responsibility and go down spirals of self-hatred. Topping that off with taking a task where he wasn’t alone when these voices tried to overpower his normal thoughts, when darkness seemed to seep into every corner of his mind, meant he had someone there to help him fight this fight. He didn’t have to do it alone.

And that was okay, it was okay to have help.

So, it slowly got less and less unpleasant to ask the other two if they could switch with him.

 

Today, there were some check-ups on young Hybrids, those brought by their breeders, where they were growing up before they’d get sold to their future owners. Some colds, some flus, the usually that winter brought.

Especially the energetic toddlers stumbling over their tails and biting each other’s ears put a genuine smile on Yuta’s face as Taeil tried to figure out which of the Poodles he had already vaccinated, and which one was still up for the poke with the needle.

Jaehyun grimaced when one of them bit his arm while he held them, in anger over having to endure the stab into their arm. But even he couldn’t be mad with them. They were just so fluffy and cute and adorable!

 

Where Fridays usually were filled with excitement for the weekend, Saturdays were full of stress and exasperation over having to come to the doctor on said weekend. There were no regular check-ups, no scheduled regular appointments, only walk-in emergencies.

Yuta turned off his first alarm, easily moving and sitting up. He had dreamt something odd… he couldn’t even properly recall it, but he was sure it was the type of dream that just made no sense whatsoever. Not in a bad way, though.

For the first time in weeks, he felt rested and was looking forward to the day, despite the promise of a stressful and tiring workday.

He had the feeling something important would happen today. Maybe it was because of the dream? It surely had been a weird one, extra weird, even though he couldn’t recall it.

As he peeled off the blanket and cursed the cold air, he thanked his brain for figuring its shit out with serotonin and dopamine – and whatever else it had been neglecting recently. He easily slipped down the ladder and picked his phone up from the dresser to check in on his mood app and mark his low phase as ended. Adding the little smiley into the date felt like a small weight dropped off his heart. It felt good. He had known it’d end eventually, but finally getting there was always a relief, the proof that it really had. The reward for making it through and not giving up. The red scars on his wrists didn’t look as gruesome today, but Yuta still pulled his sleeve back down to hide them.

Jaehyun was on his tummy, a foot poking out from under his blanket. Yuta chuckled to himself and pulled white clothing from the closet, to go and take his morning shower.

 

Today, Taeil was still preparing the coffee when he entered the kitchen.

“Oh, you’re early.”

“I’m on time.” Yuta grinned and Taeil returned the smile.

“That’s good to hear. Jungwoo and Jaemin are going to join us for the football match tomorrow. We should think of a name. The chaotic kickers maybe?”

“Hyung, five people isn’t even one team.”

“Maybe Doyoung will come.”

Yuta raised his eyebrows and Taeil sighed “Okay, I get it, still too few people. What do you suggest?”

“I’m pretty sure they’ll add people to us, to make a real team.”

“That’s a solution.” Taeil nodded.

“I mean, not that we need it, between Jaehyun, Jaemin, and me.”

“I love that you didn’t even bother adding me or Jungwoo.”

Yuta chuckled again. It felt good to, he had done too little of that recently. “Please, Hyung, we’re glad if no one needs a doctor by the end of you two playing.”

“Jungwoo’s actually good with balls if he has his hands.”

“Oh, did he demonstrate that on you?”

“What are you implying here?” Taeil squinted his eyes and Yuta sighed.

His owner’s trainee had been giving him cow eyes ever since his first internship. Sure, Jungwoo might agree with his work ethic and return for that reason, but Yuta, and all the other Hybrids in Taeil’s care, agreed there was more to it.

Too bad Taeil was 100% oblivious.

 

Yuta was on for assistance today. It wasn’t usually all that fun because it involved a lot of holding struggling puppies and kittens down, who had split something open and didn’t understand they had to hold still and endure cleaning, and maybe stitching, to get better.

Unlike humans’ hospitals, which were there for their patients 24/7, most of those taking care of Hybrids were closed for the weekends, meaning Taeil, as the only doctor open and on-call in the district and several ones bordering on it, saw plenty of Hybrids that’d only come one time and then return to their usual attending doctor.

It was both nice, because you met strangers, and draining, because there usually were the… unpleasant type of owner among them. Due to his attitude, Taeil usually scared those that didn’t hold a single ounce of understanding for the true nature of Hybrids away. If they were forced to come, while their attending doctors thought a long weekend was more important than providing medical care, they’d obviously had to overcome their disgust for compassion and understanding – but they usually didn’t bother trying to find any of it in themselves.

Hybrids hurt from accidents were one thing. Maybe a stupid fight between peers that had escalated before someone noticed, that was normal, it happened with humans, too, especially with children.

But a Hybrid beat up by their owner, the person that should provide shelter and safety? Hurt, and scared to even look at anyone?

That was awful!

Yuta was no stranger to physical punishment, to feeling alone and unloved, with no on to turn to. He had learnt how to distance himself, or he probably wouldn’t be able to work this job, especially not during his low phases when there was already so much weighing him down. Seeing these poor creatures stuck with their owners, who were the ones harming them in these ways, would make anyone taking it to heart become depressed. So, he didn’t let it affect him.

It didn’t mean that he didn’t think it was awful, though.

Today had been a light day so far. No terrible accidents, no abuse victims. Maybe that was, what he had predicted with his dream? He even had had time for two servings of Bulgogi for lunch, which had been very nice.

It didn’t seem like there’s be any more disturbances of the quiet day. While Taeil and Jaehyun took care of a case of suspected pneumonia, Yuta sat on the reception desk, where Seulgi was in charge of taking calls and scheduling those coming in. Some days, this was worse than level 100 in Tetris, but today, she was having an easy time.

“Maybe I’m being too subtle? I even told her my ring size. Twice. Why should I do that if I wasn’t, you know…?” she sighed deeply.

“I’m sure she understood you. She might just be waiting for the perfect moment, or the perfect ring. Or, you know, for the government to actually allow gay and lesbian marriage.”

“Yuta, I appreciate you trying to see the light in this situation, but we all know the day won’t come in this decade and probably not the next and I did want to get married before 40, regardless of whether the government actually accepts my marriage.”

“Maybe suggest wedding gowns next?”

“Isn’t that too much?”

“Well, I don’t know. I know for sure Taeil-Hyung isn’t going to realise Jungwoo has had the biggest crush on him since he first stepped foot into this place, unless Jungwoo pins him to the desk and kisses him right on the spot. So maybe it’s like that?”

“I’d laugh if it weren’t so sad and true. I’m not one for wedding gowns, though. I think a suit maybe?”

“Oh yes, wonderful idea! Everyone looks good in suits.”

“If that ain’t the truth.” Seulgi nodded happily.

Yuta wasn’t exactly a styling expert, but when it came to white, he felt pretty confident. 80% of his wardrobe was whites for work after all.

“I love this trend of mixing a dress and a tuxedo, too. But it might be a bit over the top.” Seulgi explained as she opened Google on the computer that she had used to play Minesweeper to pass the time.

There was a complex tool to schedule patients, keep their digital files, write prescriptions, invoices, and document their whole history, but the three nurses were only trained in the medical-documentation part of the program. If Sooyoung, their receptionist, saw them mess in her files, she’d flip, so the computer was used exclusively to watch YouTube videos and play mindless games on Saturdays when Sooyoung wasn’t there.

“Didn’t Lagerfeld do something for the Chanel show recently? With feathers?”

“Why do you know about Lagerfeld doing anything for Chanel?” Seulgi raised her eyebrows at Yuta.

“Don’t judge me, okay? Johnny mentioned it, you know he’s into fashion and photography, and there were photos from Paris he liked.”

“Riiight. Anyway, I don’t want to look like a peacock, so no feathers please.”

“It might be too much for a normal wedding, you’re right.”

“Here, this, that’s what I was talking about.” Seulgi pointed at a suit.

“Okay, sorry, but that’s… boring as hell.”

“Well, Mr Lagerfeld, please make a better suggestion.” Seulgi pushed herself away from the keyboard.

“Gladly.”

Yuta had just typed in the first search term when the door was opened a little too forcefully, and they both looked up.

The man coming inside was dragging a bunny Hybrid, who was visibly struggling to stay on his legs, his head turned downwards, showing only his perfectly snow-white hair and short ears. Yuta’s heart sunk as he bid his quiet day goodbye.

He didn’t have time to dwell on the unfairness of life. This was his job. He knew how to handle this, quiet day and the final end of his low phase or not.

This needed their attention. They could actually help this Hybrid.

Seulgi and he both kicked into action at the same time.

“What happened?” Seulgi asked, grabbing a clipboard and form, already filling in the blanks she could answer with just one look.

Yuta picked up the phone and called into the back, where Taeil was working, to alert him. The bunny slumped into himself, held up only by the grip the man had on him. At first glance there was nothing but his weak posture off, however, if he was struggling to this degree, the damage had to be severe. It could be anything – broken bones from leg to ribs to arm, internal and external wounds covered up to appear less suspicious on the street, head trauma – all possibilities that Yuta’s head came up with.

“This is Doctor Moon’s place, isn’t it?” he snarled.

Yuta took a second glance at him, all his attention having been on the poor Hybrid.

The line connected: “ _What’s it, Seulgi-Noona_?”

He was dressed in clothing that wouldn’t alert you that there’d be anything suspicious going on, but when Yuta looked, really looked, he saw the signs on him. Expensive, flashy watch, ink peeking from under the sleeve of his neatly pressed shirt, and rings that no businessman would wear.

Not to mention he was bringing a bunny Hybrid. For no reason other than their cute looks, those Hybrids had been chosen as the perfect fit to fulfil any sexual fantasy a human might have. Some were kept by individuals, but most were stuck in the many brothels of the world’s red-light districts. And everyone knew who ran these brothels. The mafia.

“Yes, this is Doctor Moon’s place.” Seulgi nodded as Yuta answered Jaehyun.

“Ah, Jaehyun, we have someone who’ll need immediate attention, I think.”

_“Oh, Hyung, it’s you. Okay, I’m telling Taeil-Hyung, we’re done here, anyway.”_

“Well, I was sent here. I need to get rid of this.” The man jerked his head at the Hybrid.

Prostitution was illegal in South Korea, at least for humans. It still happened, of course. For Hybrids, it was a grey area, the perfect milieu for gangs to make some dirty money – and not little at that. The demand was huge.

Yuta concluded he was one of them: a gang member.

He felt anger boil in his gut when the man referred to the Hybrid like he was a thing, a broken toy. Surely it had been his fault the poor guy was in this state in the first place. But he pushed it aside. It didn’t matter if Yuta got angry or not, it was a waste of emotional energy. He should focus on the Hybrid, how to help him. That was important right now.

“Just put him down. I don’t need him anymore.” He pulled a red passport from his bag and slammed it on the counter.

The Hybrid slowly raised his head. Yuta saw his skin was discoloured and red around his neck, right where a thick collar might sit. A blue bruise bloomed over his cheek, someone had cleaned his face off blood, but there was some dried on the corner of his mouth they had missed.

All that didn’t mask how elegantly cut his face was, undeniably beautiful. His eyebrows, lashes, and eyes were jet black, and there was a silent plead in them, as clear as if he had spoken:

Let me live.

“Sir, I have to inform you we don’t murder Hybrids here,” Seulgi said, her voice cold and hard as she kept her eyes on the man, who looked annoyed over the news.

“God, what’s with these doctors all suddenly on the road to self-proclaimed better people? It’s a Hybrid, you don’t kill it, you put it down.”

“Yes, he’s a Hybrid, a living being, meaning if we end his life it’s killing him. It won’t happen here. However, if you look to give up ownership, Doctor Moon would probably take him in.”

“Yeah, yeah, sure, I just need it gone.”

Yuta had walked around the desk to get closer to the Hybrid. He spotted blood on his shirt. The bunny’s thick jacket was probably hiding much worse damage than what was visible on his face and neck.

The door to the back, where the treatment rooms were located, opened and Yuta knew it was Taeil because Seulgi immediately gave a quick run-through of the situation at hand.

Yuta’s full attention was on the Hybrid, though. The man had him grabbed by his upper arm in what was possibly bruising, but Yuta needed to know where he could touch him without hurting him.

Taeil was discussing that he needed a written agreement of the sale of the Hybrid, so he could re-register him. He was taking him then. Of course, he was. Yuta knew Taeil wouldn’t let him down.

But that also meant that the situation suddenly changed. This wasn’t a patient anymore – well, not only. This would be a new family member in the near future. Meaning, Yuta wouldn’t keep up a cold and professional attitude.

“Hey. Where are you hurt? Where can I touch?” Yuta asked the Hybrid, while the man grumbled something that it was technically the boss of his boss owning the bunny.

He stared at Yuta, eyes wide and full of fear.

And he didn’t answer.

“How’s the arm?” Yuta tried and reached towards him, but the bunny jerked away from his hand. Yuta felt his heart break a little. How terribly had they treated him, that he was scared to this degree? It was very rare they got someone from that side of the city in their office, Taeil was the last place they’d go to with their poor Hybrids, for obvious reasons, and Yuta wished he had more experience, wished he knew how to best treat him to make his fear go away.

“Yuta, can you already help him to the back, please?” Taeil said, cutting through his focus.

He reached out again, but the bunny avoided his touch once more, looking downright panicked. Yuta didn’t know what to do.

“I just want to help you.” He softly explained, but it didn’t seem to get through to the Hybrid. Never had someone be scared of him. Maybe a little intimidated, the smaller Hybrid kids, but not scared, no, downright terrified.

Hearing that Yuta was going to take care of him, the man let go of the Hybrid, who stumbled and tried to catch himself but couldn’t hold his weight up. Yuta managed to grab him under his arms and, without a way out, the Hybrid let him manoeuvre his arm around until Yuta could properly support him.

“I’ll help you to the back, okay? We can treat you there.” He explained, hoping to soothe some of the fear. Clearly, it didn’t work, because the bunny’s body remained tense and Yuta could feel the other’s heart hammering against his chest. “Don’t worry, you’ll soon feel better, Taeil-Hyung is very good at his job.” He still kept talking, despite not getting a reaction.

They made it through the door, which was when the Hybrid next to him started sniffling. He didn’t make a sound, it was just the noise of breathing with a runny nose, but when Yuta turned, he saw tears run down his face. He felt even more worry course through his body.

“Just hold in there a little longer, okay? I know you can do it.”

He got him into the first treatment room, where he sat him down on the examination bed.

Yuta felt a little overwhelmed watching the pretty Hybrid cry from maybe pain or fear, or both.

“You’re in good hands now, okay? It’ll be alright.” He spotted the patch of blood on the shirt again. It was definitely growing. “Taeil-Hyung will make sure to take care of anything that hurts, okay? Maybe take off your shirt, I think you have something that needs to be patched up on your ribs?”

Yuta reached out, to help the bunny take off his coat, but once more he jerked away from his touch and stared at him with these huge, black eyes, so full of fear.

He couldn’t do it.

He couldn’t do anything this Hybrid didn’t want him to. Normally, Yuta knew when it was necessary to push past a patient’s boundaries to get them the right treatment, could go into professional mode that allowed him to hold down someone struggling because of a sting or something of the likes, because he knew it was for the right cause, was necessary in that situation.

Today, someone else would have to assist Taeil. He wasn’t sure what it was, but something about this Hybrid just pulled on his heartstrings how he had never felt anyone do before.

 

It only took a few more moments for Taeil to arrive at the room, followed by Jaehyun. When Yuta asked if he could switch with Seulgi, Taeil nodded.

 

The front was deadly silent, and Yuta couldn’t stop thinking about what was happening in the treatment room. At least there was no crying. He wasn’t sure he could handle that.

He stared at the schedule for the day. There was only half an hour left before they’d close. Only six patients all day. That had to be an all-time low. Even with the last Hybrid, it was still a quiet day.

Yuta spotted the red passport that Seulgi must have pushed into one of the file racks. Red passport meant it was directly from the breeder, only they got the red ones issued by the breeding Unions. That was a rarity. Doyoung and Jaehyun had red passports, too, but everyone else living with Taeil had been a stray at some point and lost their official, original documentation, including Yuta.

It wasn’t like he missed it or anything. It mattered quite little to him what colour his passport had. However, in this case it was different because the red told him something:

This Hybrid had been sold into the mafia, it hadn’t been a case of someone stealing or losing him. It had been done on purpose.

Yuta felt his heart sink once more for the bunny. What was his name? Yuta realised he hadn’t heard him talk at all. Not even an objection, he had just been perfectly silent.

He’d find the name out sooner or later, anyway. He might as well look now, right?

Like he was secretly taking candy he wasn’t allowed to, Yuta glanced around the room, before pulling the passport from the rack and flipping it open.

He recognised the letters, but they made no sense read in Japanese. Clearly, it was a Chinese document. Yuta scanned the rows of familiar, yet strange, letters until he found something he could read.

His name was Sicheng.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I haven't finished writing this, originally I planned 1 chapter, then 2, now I'm thinking maybe 5?  
> Not sure how quick I'll be to update...
> 
>  
> 
> [CuriousCat](https://curiouscat.me/Fox_155)


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fyi I’m changing POV
> 
> re-worked Sept 2019

Sicheng wasn’t sure why everyone kept insisting he was to be touched.

At first, he had downright despised it and hated everyone who tried for doing so. He had thought they had bad intention, how people he had been around generally had had.

Slowly, he had come to the realisation that this place, he had somehow ended up in a few months ago, actually wasn’t bad. On the contrary. It was quite nice, despite so many people trying to get closer when he didn’t want them to.

There were three meals a day, a shower he could lock, and he had his own room where he could put up so many lights no shadows lingered. Sicheng hated the dark. It was scary.

The human owning everything, the house, the doctor’s office, the other Hybrids, and, of course, Sicheng himself, was called Taeil and not once told him what to do, no once tried to get Sicheng to do the things he had been made do back… there.

Now, after a few months, touching actually started to sound kind of fun in theory. Sicheng had found a few people he had touched, had tried to overcome his aversion. It worked when he was the first one to start it. Then he knew there was no danger. But each time someone else initiated it, the memories of people reaching out, just like them, to hurt him were so strong the echo of them caused him physical pain.

In theory, Sicheng wanted to cuddle, how the others did on the sofa in the evening. It was just that… he couldn’t. He was terrified. Of everything, of everyone. Too many memories made him jerk in imaginary pain, wake up in cold horror at night, and check locks several times.

He really wanted to not feel that way. It was tiring, so tiring. But he couldn’t help it, no matter how many times he told his head to not make him think it was going to hurt when Taeyong reached for a hug, or when Yuta beamed and tried to take his hand.

Next time it happened, he jerked away once more and Taeyong’s smile would falter, Yuta’s beam would dim, and Sicheng would slither away, feeling like he had made things worse again, like he had not made any progress at all, but was stuck in this hole of fear forever.

He knew they thought he hated them, they talked about it when they thought he couldn’t hear them.

Apparently, him not talking led to them thinking he didn’t hear, too.

Sicheng wanted to tell them, but…

He couldn’t.

His voice wasn’t something people wanted to hear. It was ugly, it didn’t fit, it wasn’t desirable, it was a flaw. If he spoke, he’d get electrocuted. Or used to. It had happened so many times that he couldn’t not expect it anymore. His voice might as well be gone, he couldn’t use it to talk to the others.

Sicheng stared out onto the city that was cast in the morning glow of the sun. Summer looked nice for sure. It might be nice to go out, feel the sun on his skin, smell flowers, and eat ice cream. He couldn’t, though. For the same reason as everything else: he was terrified.

Mornings usually were his favourite time. The streets were buzzing with life, people walking past to get to their work, or get chores done. It was a good mood.

Friday mornings weren’t his favourite. It used to be Wednesdays, but now it was Fridays.

“Sicheng, are you coming? We’ll be late.”

Today was Friday.

On Fridays, formerly Wednesdays, Sicheng always went with the others to see Yixing.

Yixing was nice, especially for a human. He was actually exceptionally nice for a human, nearly unbelievably so. Sicheng had not trusted that at all at first, but there was no evidence speaking against him, so he had slowly dropped his worries.

He talked a lot. They often drew pictures together. Sometimes, he said words back to Yixing, but only because Yixing had found a way to make him forget his voice was awful and not to be used. It only worked with Yixing. Yixing was great and Sicheng liked seeing him because it made him feel better. That was Yixing’s job. It was a pretty cool job, in Sicheng’s opinion.

He wasn’t the reason he hated Friday mornings.

To get to Yixing, Sicheng had to walk through Seoul. Outside, between people. People, who gave him disgusted looks, whispered behind his back. Maybe not as much as Sicheng thought they did, if Yixing was to be believed, and he was quite trustworthy, but Sicheng still hated it.

Outside was scary!

“Sicheng!” Doyoung was calling again.

He slowly got off from the sofa and shuffled to the entrance hall. Everyone else was already here, collars with tags fastened around their necks. To show the difference between them and a human. No human would have to wear a collar. Hybrids had to. Hybrids were property, not people.

Sicheng used to have a collar on at all times, so he could get punished when his handler felt like it. So, at first, he hadn’t been able to put this new one that Taeil had gotten him on, too scared it might hurt, too. It didn’t, luckily, and with time, the skin on his neck, that had been marred from the old one, had renewed, leaving hardly any trace of what used to be.

He slowly slipped into his sneakers and plucked the simple black leather band with the metal tags that had his name on them off the hook on the wall.

Yuta was coming with them today. He didn’t every week. Usually, it was Sicheng, and Doyoung coming for him because Sicheng couldn’t even step over the threshold without him, and Kun. When Yuta came with them more often, he always was in a sadder mood than he usually was. He still smiled, but it wasn’t the sincere, bright smile he usually wore. Sicheng could always tell when Yuta was going to come more often before he actually did. Maybe he was easy to read, maybe it was Sicheng always paying him just a little more attention than anyone else.

Doyoung didn’t reach out before Sicheng took his hand. He knew it was dumb that he couldn’t do it if Doyoung went first, but he couldn’t change it, telling himself it was stupid and ridiculous didn’t help. Yixing always said to not put himself down, but it was what it was, trying to paint a better picture wouldn’t make it go away either.

“See you later.” Taeyong smiled, waving his cleaning rug.

Doyoung opened the door and Sicheng felt everything in his head tell him to not go. He shouldn’t leave the safety of his home, a rabbit instinct that betrayed him every week. Sicheng had had it ever since little, to return to his burrow in dangerous situations. But now, every situation felt dangerous and required him to stay in the safety of the flat he lived in. Sometimes not even the flat was good enough, only his room with the many lights felt safe.

Outside was scary, very scary. People wanted to harm him and there were _those kinds_ of people there. The type he didn’t even think the name of, like his old owners, working at the places he didn’t think the names of, where he used to live.

Sicheng pulled himself closer against Doyoung, hoping to use him as a shield against any harm. Or to convince him to stay here.

Doyoung put his hand on top of Sicheng’s, reassuring him, but he still stepped outside. Sicheng had to follow or let go. He didn’t want to let go, so, he held his breath and crossed the threshold.

 

Sometimes, Sicheng could sleep for the whole night. Sometimes he couldn’t. If he had bad nightmares, he’d go and walk through the flat once, like it’d help him leave them behind if he moved physically, just how you could shake something that stuck to you.

Tonight was one of those nights. Sicheng’s fairy lights illuminated his room when he woke in cold sweat. He hated the darkness. It made everything even scarier, so, he never let places he was at be dark.

Sicheng felt dried tears on his cheeks. He’d just walk his round, he decided, it’d be better after, he could hopefully go back to sleep.

There was a flashlight on his nightstand at all times, to avoid the darkness. It was a cute flashlight in his opinion. Taeil had bought it for him. He was the least terrible human Sicheng had ever met, after Yixing, so it only made sense he’d buy a cute flashlight.

There were vegetables with eyes on it. Sicheng found them very trustworthy.

The lamp inside came to life and he peeled the blanket off himself.

The flat laid in silence, as it always did during his small walks. Everyone was sleeping and Sicheng didn’t want to wake them, so he made sure not to make noise as he crept down the hallway. The living room door was ajar, and he slowly pushed it open, letting himself inside.

Surprisingly, there was light from the kitchen illuminating the outlines of the furniture. Sicheng wondered if someone had forgotten to switch it off? Or maybe there was someone else taking walks at night now? There might be. There could have been for longer, Sicheng didn’t hold a privilege to being the only one to sneak around.

He didn’t intend to scare anyone, so he made sure to walk a little louder as he headed towards the kitchen.

A sniff could be heard from it and Sicheng froze in his place. Another one followed. Someone was crying! Sicheng wasn’t sure if he was supposed to interrupt that. Maybe whoever it was wanted to have privacy…

Or maybe, they needed someone to be there. Sicheng wasn’t sure he was good company, but he was better company than no one. So, he stepped closer to peek inside and see who it was.

The kitchen table was right in his line of sight. The brown-black, white-tipped tail, that poked from the pyjama bottoms and hung off the chair, was easy to identify as Yuta’s. Another sniff ripped through the silence.

Yuta always was the first person trying to touch Sicheng, he bounced around and suddenly popped up next to him. Sicheng hated that, it scared him. But he didn’t hate Yuta. Yuta was always positive, or at least he tried. He laughed a lot. Sicheng wanted to laugh a lot, too, but he didn’t really know what to laugh about.

Sicheng opened the kitchen door wide enough and stepped inside.

The other had heard him and rose his head to look over his shoulder, eyes red and puffy, hair messy.

“S-Sicheng?” he whispered and immediately tried to wipe the tears off his face. He put on a smile and straightened. “W-what’s up?”

Sicheng shook his head and marched over to the table, taking a free chair and sitting down. He kept safety distance to Yuta, who stared at him in confusion, but at least he wasn’t reaching out. That was good. He looked at Yuta questioningly. It was sometimes hard to get his point across, but the other understood him, and the smile dropped off his face. It had been fake and not pretty, anyway.

“Sorry, uh, just… ignore me, okay? It’s… embarrassing.” Yuta turned his face away, looking at the wall. Sicheng tried to understand if Yuta wanted him to go, but he hadn’t said that.

So, he didn’t.

Instead, he switched off his flashlight and started playing with it. 

The silence between them stretched on, but it wasn’t uncomfortable. Sicheng had learnt to live with silence since he had no voice to fill it with. Slowly, Yuta turned his head forward again, no longer trying to hide.

Sicheng usually felt better when he drank something after crying, so, he got up and found a glass in the cupboards, filled it with water, and returned to the table. He realised Yuta had been watching him and that somehow made him feel a little tingly all over. Not necessarily in a bad way, though. Sicheng put the water down in front of him and Yuta stared down at it like he expected it to explode, then up at Sicheng.

“For me?” Yuta gasped after a second of contemplating. Sicheng nodded and sat back down.

Yuta carefully picked the glass up and took a sip.

“Thank you.” He whispered into the glass, then set it down and turned it between his hands. “Didn’t you want to go right back to bed? You shouldn’t sit around here if you’re tired.”

Sicheng shook his head. He wasn’t eager to go back to his nightmares.

“Okay,” Yuta muttered.

Sicheng slowly started to trace the pattern of the wood of the table. He followed a line from his side into the middle of the table and past, until it faded, then chose another to go back in a similar way he had come.

“Sorry you had to see this, I feel so pathetic.” Yuta softly said, which made Sicheng look up from the patterns to shake his head. It wasn’t pathetic in his opinion. He knew everyone here had a bad place they came from. It was one of the reasons why this place, he was at, was actually quite nice. It wasn’t about owning a Hybrid to show off wealth, status, or keep a toy. Taeil just wanted to help them, they all had a story had made them undesirable in the market.

At the same time, no one’s past was even close to Sicheng’s. He sometimes wished there were. He wasn’t sure, he just felt like he might be able to become closer friends if there were someone that had been made do the same things for customers he had.

Yuta rubbed his face and a tiny smile tugged on his lips. “It’ll be better in a few days. I hope.” The last words were just a whisper, barely audible.

Sicheng wanted to encourage him. Wanted to cheer him up.

He took a breath, intending to tell Yuta that it was normal and he didn’t mind, that he was sure it’d get better soon. But just as he was about to say the first word, the burning of electricity coursing through his body sparked on his neck and Sicheng’s breath caught in his throat. He brought a hand up to his neck, to soothe pain from a collar that wasn’t there. It was just a memory, he tried to tell himself. After a few gruesome seconds, it ebbed off and Sicheng slowly pulled his hand from his skin. His body was tense and tight, and he had to tell himself to relax several times until he succeeded.

Still, it meant he could only sit and watch as Yuta rubbed a finger over the rim of his glass.

Sicheng tightened his grab on his flashlight. He reached forward and used it to gently pet over Yuta’s arm. The dog looked at the flashlight in surprise, then up at Sicheng. He tried another smile, one from heart, to say all the things he couldn’t with his voice.

A faint pink hue started spreading on Yuta’s cheeks, then his tails started moving behind himself a little.

It had worked, right? Sicheng had cheered him up, right?

“Thank you, that was… oddly comforting.” Yuta patted the flashlight, how he would normally pat someone else’s hand. Sicheng wished he could feel it. But he was too scared to reach out and actually touch.

 

There was one person that never tried to touch Sicheng. His name was Johnny, and he always accompanied a very over-excited young cat Hybrid that went to Taeil for treatment. Donghyuck was much too high energy for Sicheng, but Johnny wasn’t. He was like the eye of the storm.

Back after Sicheng had first come, Johnny had been the one Sicheng had tried to touch to see if it’d hurt, or be dangerous. Johnny had allowed him, and still not tried to touch him in return. Nothing had hurt, and eventually, it hadn’t been scary anymore.

After Johnny, he had tried with Doyoung. Doyoung was a bunny Hybrid, like Sicheng himself. No scary carnivorous ancestors, nothing. It also hadn’t hurt, and Doyoung easily understood where the boundaries were, even without Sicheng being able to tell him directly. He didn’t feel particularly close to Doyoung, other than them both being bunnies, but he still was a huge support and Sicheng appreciated that he took the time of day to accompany him to Yixing’s office every week.

It was baby steps, Sicheng knew that. But he couldn’t take bigger ones, not when he was still so terrified of most things.

But these baby steps meant that, slowly, some things weren’t scary anymore. Like sitting on a table with Taeil, or letting others into his room.

Slow progress was good progress, Yixing kept telling him.

Sicheng just wondered if maybe his progress could be faster. It felt like it should be. Summer was coming to an end, the days getting shorter, the sun setting earlier and rising later, and Sicheng still wasn’t able to say a single word, still ran when Taeyong, Donghyuck, or Yuta seemed to get closer.

 

“I think he hates me.”

 

Sicheng didn’t hate him. But he had no way to tell Yuta that. He wanted to let Yuta touch him, maybe more than anyone else. It actually felt like a little stab to his heart each time Yuta whispered that thought to someone else when he thought Sicheng couldn’t hear but really could.

Sicheng might be easily scared, not very well educated, but he wasn’t an idiot. He knew he liked Yuta, in a way different from the others, as much as he was capable of liking someone. It wasn’t strong enough to help him push over these anxieties that haunted him, but it was there, like a very small daisy bud trying to peek its head from the soil in spring.

Maybe it was because Yuta was so persistent. Despite him apparently thinking Sicheng hated him, he still was the first one to try and help Sicheng, even when he hardly ever could accept his offers.

Maybe it also had to do with the fact that Sicheng thought Yuta was genuinely attractive. His face was sharp and masculine, paired with a nice tone he had to his voice, and very pretty hair and ears. But that superficiality wasn’t what Sicheng really cared about.

It was this endless positivity that Yuta was obviously making an effort to put out there. It was something Sicheng enjoyed, felt encouraged by, especially when Yuta focussed it on him to help him.

At the same time, he’d love to know what was behind the cheerfulness and laughter. Sometimes, Yuta’s smiles were strained, sometimes, he had to think hard to come up with a positive mindset, which other times came easily. It had to do with how often Yuta went to see the therapist with them. While he admired him, Sicheng was also curious to learn more about Yuta, about the whys in his life, wanted to know more about the person he was underneath even if, or maybe exactly because, it’d make him less of a person worth idolising and more of… well, a person.

But without words, without being able to let him come closer, Sicheng was unable to get past that façade, that outer layer of positivity Yuta wore.

Sometimes, Sicheng wondered if he liked him, too. Liked in him a way different from how Yuta liked everyone else.

There were some hints, which was why he even dared to think so. Yuta always made an effort to show his affection, to let everyone know how special certain things Sicheng did were – even if they weren’t. Sometimes, Yuta’s eyes lingered for a bit too long, and he’d blush a little when Sicheng caught him staring. It was just a suspicion and it’d, unfortunately, probably be ruined the second Yuta got to know more about him.

Sicheng wasn’t very likeable, he didn’t really feel deserving of that kind of attention.

He had always been told he was pretty, had grown up with his breeder using him to parade around and boast about his bunnies. Then, his voice had dropped, when he had been 13, and dropped and dropped. Much too low. His breeder had hated his voice. His old owners had hated his voice. Everyone had hated his voice.

He hated his voice.

Even if he weren’t so terrified of the pain he used to feel whenever he used it, he still wouldn’t want to let anyone hear more than strictly necessary of it.

Not to mention he was boring. Sicheng liked drawing, painting, sketching, but all his pictures looked the same to him: bland, simple, uninspiring. He sometimes drew people, but it seemed like each time he did, they turned into boring outlines of who they were. Sicheng was unable to capture their spirit how other artists could.

There were a few things he liked, but they all seemed so… dull.

He wasn’t like Doyoung, who could explain complicated equations and tell you the whys and hows of the universe’s workings. He wasn’t like Taeyong, who single-handedly planned the whole household’s week, never making mistakes in his calculations of food, laundry, or appointments, and still there to listen to complaints and worries. He wasn’t like Kun, who studied diligently every day to reach his goal of becoming a nurse, hardworking and determined. He wasn’t like Jaehyun, who ran the fastest sprint of everyone in the household and could bounce a ball on his head for half an hour.

So, Sicheng was sure Yuta’s affection for him would falter eventually. It was a little sad, but at the same time, Sicheng knew it was because of him. He was so stuck in his fears, in his past, in his doubts, unable to move forward at more than snail’s speed, and even if all of that weren’t there… what was there to like, really?

Honestly, Sicheng was starting to get bored and fed up with himself.

 

That was until Taeil announced there were going to be two new Hybrids joining them, breaking Sicheng out of his cycle of feeling like dead weight to a family that could be happy if it weren’t for him.

The first one was Jeno, a Labrador puppy the officials had given to Taeil because he had been found in a dead woman’s house, completely neglected, infested with fleas, and starved to the bones.

By the time he was parasite-free and allowed to leave the quarantine hallway in the office, Jeno was energetic and friendly, wanted to become friends with everyone. Wanted to hug everyone. Sicheng ran from him about twenty times, until Jeno seemed to give up and turned to giving him disappointed puppy eyes whenever they saw each other. Sicheng felt bad for making him sad…

But he was much too scared to have him near.

The second one, a few days later, was Ten, who Taeil had found on the street during a search for strays. Normally, the only people searching the streets for stray Hybrids were gangs, who wanted some cheap additions to their businesses. Or maybe animal control, but they hardly really cared.

Sicheng had long learnt that Taeil was a bit… different in the sense that he went the extra mile where no one else would. That he’d search Hybrids in need of a home on the streets really wasn’t as surprising as it should be.

At first, no one really knew where Ten came from. But by the time he was cleared from quarantine, it had transpired it was the type of place Sicheng had come from, too. They usually had had cat and bunny Hybrids at these establishments were mobsters sold their Hybrids for a few hours, or maybe a whole night, to customers to have “fun” with.

Even if no one would have told him, he would have known. Because Ten… got it.

And Sicheng suddenly saw that, yes, it had been baby steps, but he had come quite a far way since arriving at Taeil’s.

Ten showed it differently, but Sicheng could tell he was terrified of so many things he had been of, too.

Taeil, for one. After only ever being treated badly, you expected all humans to be that way.

Sicheng wasn’t the best person to give any sort of advice, if only for the reason that he couldn’t actually give it because he couldn’t speak, but he tried to show Ten this place here really wasn’t as awful.

Yixing said drawing helped with emotions, so Sicheng invited Ten to draw with him. Ten didn’t want to get too close to Taeil, so, Sicheng put himself between the human and him as a safety barrier, Ten asked about meditation, and Sicheng tried his best to let him know how to just clear his mind of everything, especially those nightmares and painful memories.

Because he could do that now, had learnt that.

He wasn’t a hopeless case that’d never get over it.

 

Sicheng wasn’t sure if it had anything to do with the new Hybrids, it probably hadn’t, but about the same time they arrived, Yuta stopped persistently trying to get closer.

He’d still smile, still offer support, still do all that what Sicheng admired and… well, loved about him. But he stopped doing what Sicheng hated.

It made him appreciate those encouragements even more, made his heart flutter occasionally when Yuta unashamedly would push the others aside to be the one helping Sicheng with something.

Sicheng decided to enjoy it while it lasted, would try and soak the positivity up before Yuta realised he wasn’t worth the effort and focus on someone more lovable, more interesting than himself.

However, these days, when he picked up a pencil to draw a person, most times his gaze was drawn to Yuta. When they sat on the sofas in the evening, watching a tv show, and Sicheng would take the pillow fortress to be away from all the touching, and drew instead of following a drama he wasn’t interested in, he always returned to Yuta.

His whole sketchbook – the secret one – was full of his face. Yuta smiling, Yuta looking puzzled, Yuta focussed on the plot. Sicheng felt like he got better, but in the end, there was always something missing in his face.

He wouldn’t show these to anyone before it really captured Yuta. Be it during his lower phases when his smile would be stiff and his eyes permanently sad, or during his better ones, when his grins were brighter than the stars, when there were sparks in his eyes.

Honestly, Sicheng liked him better when he truly radiated this excitement, this happiness, but the sadness was just as much part of him. It made him more interesting. Unlike himself. He was just… fear and boredom incorporated. As long as Yuta hadn’t realised that, Sicheng would indulge in this fantasy of him liking him back, regardless of whether he actually did or not.

If he kept it a secret, he could imagine these hints actually being what he hoped they were.

 

Sicheng woke from a nightmare, startling to awareness.

He hadn’t had one in longer, that they were getting rarer was a soothing thought, but at the same time, that didn’t make it more pleasant.

He’d just walk his round and try to go back to sleep after. His flashlight came to life and Sicheng searched for his slippers. The heating wasn’t on yet, but the air was getting colder, leaving the flat a bit chilly at night.

When he slipped into the living room and there was light from the kitchen, Sicheng didn’t hesitate. He walked right towards the door. As expected, he found Yuta there, his tail giving him away. No one else had such a peculiar mix of colours in their coat. It seemed random and all over the place maybe, but Sicheng thought it had character.

He wasn’t sniffling today, but Sicheng still came inside. Yuta heard him immediately, turning around.

“Hey.” He softly greeted. Sicheng raised his hand to wave back. He looked at the clock. It wasn’t too late yet, one in the morning, and Yuta was still in his day’s clothing. Sicheng looked at him questioningly. What was he doing here?

“I’m just waiting for Taeil-Hyung to come back, don’t worry about me. Do you need something?” Yuta asked. Sicheng closely eyed him, but Yuta didn’t look upset. Sicheng knew it was a better week, he could see it in him, so maybe there was no reason to worry.

But there also was no reason to leave him alone in the kitchen in the middle of the night.

So, Sicheng walked over and pulled the chair from right next to him out, to sit down. Yuta hadn’t made any moves to touch him recently, so he trusted he wouldn’t now. He found the other watching him with wide eyes and Sicheng decided to ignore the small bounce his heart made at that.

“Aren’t you tired?” Yuta asked after a moment.

Sicheng turned to look back at him, hoping to bring across that he should be asking that question instead. Yuta just returned it blankly, so, Sicheng reached out and tugged on Yuta’s shirt, clearly not a pyjama.

Yuta followed his hand and stared at the spot Sicheng had touched for a few more beats, before looking up, even more confused than before.

Sicheng huffed and shrugged. If he didn’t want to understand him, fine.

“Oh! You mean what about me?” Yuta finally seemed to have finally made the connection. Sicheng nodded. “Yeah, I’m a little tired. But Taeil-Hyung’s not back yet, so I won’t be able to sleep anyway. Dog instincts.” He smiled, but he didn’t look too upset over that.

Sicheng knew their instincts were what humans used to bring them down, to argue that they were so different they didn’t deserve the same rights as them. It should be a sore spot, maybe, one that’d upset him, and sure, some instincts were inconvenient, even annoying. But for the most part, Sicheng didn’t mind them at all. They were part of him and often helped him!

He played with his flashlight, then started tracing the wood’s pattern again, as the clock on the wall ticked, telling them the hour was getting later and later. Sicheng slowly felt lethargy take over, and at some point, of having his face nestled in his arms, he must have fallen asleep - a dreamless, peaceful slumber. As if having Yuta there let his mind rest.

It was interrupted by talking that made him startle awake.

“Sorry.” Taeil frowned “I didn’t think it’d go this long, I’m really sorry, Yuta.” His hand was in Yuta’s hair, the dog cuddled up against him.

“It’s fine.” Yuta assured him “I had good company.”

Sicheng looked around in confusion – who else had been here and been good company? But he didn’t see anyone.

“That’s great, thank you for sticking around, Sicheng, but now off to bed, both of you!” Taeil gave Yuta’s hair a final ruffle, before pushing him off.

Sicheng had been good company? But he hadn’t even said anything. All they had done, was trace the wooden patterns on the table together…

Maybe… that had been enough, though?

 

The first time Sicheng spoke to anyone other than Yixing hadn’t been planned. Of course not, you didn’t go and plan to talk, especially not Sicheng, or he would have definitely chickened out again.

It had been Ten not giving himself the credit he deserved, yet again, and Sicheng had been fed up. Ten always made sure the others got acknowledged, but when it came to himself, he was suddenly overly humble. He had overcome his own fears and stood up for another Hybrid – something incredibly brave in Sicheng’s opinion, something not everyone would or could have done, yet he insisted it was only normal.

He about had it with Ten’s denial. But there was only one way to shut hip up, and that was to tell him. So, he took a deep breath and finally did, what he had wanted to do for some time now, but had always been too scared to:

“I think it’s really brave, too.”

Sicheng’s voice sounded foreign to his own ears, after only using it so little for the last years, but everything had come out well, maybe with too much of an accent, but he figured they’d be able to understand.

The moment he had said the first word, though, his skin had started prickling, the feeling of electricity running over it. He knew he shouldn’t feel it because there was no collar around his neck, there hadn’t been one in almost a year, but his memories kept torturing him.

And from how all eyes suddenly were on him, he started to think maybe it would have been better to not say anything after all. Surely, they hated his voice, thinking it was ugly and awful, just how everyone all his life had told him. Unfit for a bunny Hybrid, unfit for such a pretty face, a waste because it ruined his worth.

Yes, he knew his worth wasn’t determined by his looks, that he shouldn’t let humans dictate how he felt about himself, but see it in his actions and his interests. But it was hard to shake, very hard.

He couldn’t stop his shoulders from wandering to his ears as he tried to will the pain on his neck away, hoped to will away any bad reactions to his voice.

“Uh…” Doyoung stuttered “See? Even Sicheng agrees?”

“Y-yeah, N-now you can’t talk back anymore,” Taeyong added. The feeling of the echo of pain ebbed off.

He had done it. He had spoken. And no one had made fun of him, no one had hurt him.

 _“Oh my god, will you… will you speak to us now? Like… for real?_ ” Kun asked, his green eyes wide. Sicheng had hardly heard any Mandarin for the last years, though Kun sometimes used their shared native to address him, he didn’t do it often, and there was no one else in the house speaking the language. But he had to admit, it was wonderful to have someone use what he had grown up with.

“ _Uh, yeah, if you want?”_

 _“Of course, we want”_ Kun nodded eagerly, before switching again “Sicheng’s got a really cute accent in Mandarin!” he announced, his tail thrashing in excitement.

A cute accent?

Cute?

Sicheng couldn’t believe his ears. It suddenly felt silly to have been scared for so long, but he remembered Yixing telling him not to discredit his own instincts for trying to keep him safe.

Seeing everyone so positive, so encouraging and sweet, Sicheng didn’t want to go back to being quiet. No one hated his voice, no one wanted him to shut up.

If he could speak, he could get closer to them, closer than he was now. He could talk about his fears, so they’d go away.

 

But then, the others returned home and the small bubble in which Sicheng had said his first word was broken, and suddenly Yuta was in the kitchen, asking for dinner, and Sicheng felt his throat close up in nervousness.

What should he even say? What would be good first words?

There were no do-overs for this, there was only one first chance in this.

And Sicheng had no clue how to take it, and no one to ask.

Because no one knew about his own feelings. It was just too far off to even imagine anything ever coming out of it and Sicheng wanted to spare himself the embarrassment. Yuta’s feeling would wear off eventually, and then it’d maybe be pity for Sicheng, at best, the others could offer.

It was fine. He would just enjoy it while it lasted, how he had always planned. It didn’t matter what he said to him, in the long run these words wouldn’t influence Yuta’s feelings anyway.

So, instead of stressing to figure out how to impress, he just asked for more rice instead of making a grand revelation.

He hadn’t expected Yuta to literally topple over with his whole chair and announce it the most beautiful day of his life. While everyone was focussed on the dog Hybrid, Sicheng could take a second to compute what had just happened.

Maybe… maybe Yuta’s feelings were more serious than he had suspected.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remember to stream Superhuman! ^^
> 
>  
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> [CuriousCat](https://curiouscat.me/Fox_155)


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> re-worked Sept 2019

Yuta had somehow accepted Sicheng’s silence, it had been the first thing he had come to terms with. It wasn’t his place to push him.

That he didn’t speak didn’t mean he was silent. Sicheng didn’t need words to bring his opinions across. He had his face, his body, gestures, expression, and actions. The finer details words might give him were lost, but it was enough to show bits and pieces of his personality, all those things that added to his cute face and made him so intriguing to Yuta.

It was just mesmerising, to watch Sicheng tell him something without ever speaking. He was so beautiful, just like in everything he did, that Yuta’s eyes would get captivated and he found himself unable to pull away until forced to do so.

Sometimes, the others made a joke that he was whipped for Sicheng. Yuta wasn’t sure it was that, but he was definitely feeling something.

At the same time, even after having lived with him for more than half a year, Yuta felt like he actually knew next to nothing about Sicheng. Not because he didn’t talk, but because Sicheng wouldn’t open up to anyone, and not to him in particular.

It was understandable. Sicheng was beautiful, sensitive, and creative, and Yuta was… well, just Yuta, with the chronic depression, overbearing loyalty, and touchiness.

However, these qualities, Sicheng had, were what drew Yuta in. He wished nothing but to learn more about him. Regardless how hopeless it seemed, Yuta couldn’t just give up on trying to get closer. Not with Sicheng. He wanted to cheer him up, help him overcome these fears he had, to show even more of the personality hidden underneath, that was so beautiful and precious.

He kept offering, kept pushing, in hopes of seeing Sicheng turn his attention to him. Yuta knew how hard it was to deal with these demons, so, he offered positive thoughts, those that helped himself. Sometimes, it was hard to think of something worth living for, especially when he had his low phases, but then it was even more important to remember this life was worth the struggle. It was important to know there were people here who loved him, whom he loved.

He tried to show Sicheng. Sometimes, it almost felt like Sicheng wanted him around, appreciated the effort… but then Yuta went and tried to deepen that, and Sicheng went running again.

 

That was until Ten told Yuta to maybe dial it down a little.

Less is more wasn’t a concept Yuta usually followed, but…

It worked.

 

The less Yuta tried to close the distance between him and Sicheng, both physical and mental, the more Sicheng relaxed and slowly came to him without Yuta even doing anything.

It was tempting to try and reach out when Sicheng sat down close to him, closer than he would ever have only weeks ago. But Yuta held back because he now knew that Sicheng needed the space and the time.

He was different from him, but that made him even more fascinating to Yuta.

It sparked new hope, hope to actually bond with him, to find out more, find out all the ways Sicheng’s brain worked and what made him the person he was. Find out what scared him and maybe help him defeat that.

Perhaps he was overly optimistic, because really, why would Sicheng tell him out of everyone?

Ten and he were much closer, sharing a common past. They often cuddled and drew together. Kun and he shared their home country, a common ground they had built a friendship on long before Yuta was even allowed near Sicheng. And then there was Doyoung, who was a bunny Hybrid as well, much less intimidating than a dog Hybrid, like Yuta, and the one Sicheng always stuck to, when they left to see the therapist, like he was a lifeline.

It’d be a lie to say Yuta wasn’t a little jealous.

Not too long ago, he would have kept trying to insert himself where he didn’t belong, where he felt he was missing out. Instead, he tried to watch Sicheng from away now, when he was smiling with Ten, or when he was curled up alone on the pillows to draw while they were on the sofa, watching TV.

Sicheng was often sketching. Yuta had long noticed he had two different sketchbooks, one he used when he was with Ten, or where people could see what he was putting on the pages. It was usually landscapes, ones you saw on TV because they didn’t exist in real life, full of Sicheng’s imaginative power and ideas. They were beautiful, and Yuta sometimes wished he could have one for himself, just to look at sometimes, to find more details Sicheng had put into it, to remind himself of the long, elegant fingers that had drawn it.

The other one, he never showed anyone and pushed into the waistband of his trousers when he finished, or when someone came close enough to maybe sneak a glance. If he was already drawing these pictures full of what was inside his mind where others were allowed to see, Yuta could only imagine what was in the secret sketchbook. Probably those things most dear to his heart, so private he wasn’t comfortable sharing them. A piece of his mind, maybe even his soul.

Of course, he was curious to know what was inside.

He had to be patient. Sicheng needed to be treated as if he actually was the porcelain doll he looked to be. Yuta had understood that what made himself feel better – which was tight hugs and cuddling - wasn’t what Sicheng needed. At least not from him.

He was worth it, to Yuta. Every small smile Sicheng directed at him repaid him tenfold for having to stay back.

 

And then, suddenly, Sicheng broke his silence.

Yuta had never really paid any mind to what he might sound like, because it had just seemed unlikely he’d ever talk, but now…

Now Yuta knew, and he also knew that Sicheng’s deep, smooth voice and the cute accent he put into his Korean made his heart hammer out of his chest. Like most things Sicheng.

 

Was this love?

Yuta wasn’t sure. He had nothing but fiction to base his analysis off on because never before had there been any reason to even consider being in love. Okay, there had been his crush on Sailor Uranus, but he had been six at the time, so that hardly counted.

 

What he knew for sure was, that this feeling helped with the happiness. It seemed to multiply the bubbly excitement he liked to feel the most, helped him rise in the morning because he knew he’d see Sicheng, hear Sicheng, just anything Sicheng.

 

Was that love? Romantic love?

 

He didn’t often have too much energy to feel the need to let it out, but on this Sunday, Yuta did. So, he went running.

He sometimes did during good phases in summer, but rarely in winter, and now it was late October, close to his birthday, and the short days and icy winds qualified as winter in Yuta’s books – and in his Hypothalamus and Hypophysis’s, that decided happy hormones were a luxury not needed in his brain. At least they usually did. Winter normally meant less happiness and more mornings of having to really think of a reason to get up, more nights of crying in the kitchen.

October meant the anniversary of… that night, that night that he regretted.

This year, it wasn’t so bad, though. If Yuta was honest, it had everything to do with Sicheng giving him this happiness and positivity he often struggled to find.

So, why was that?

He wanted to figure that out, which was why he chose to run alone instead of taking someone. These days especially, there were so many people in the family that’d join him. Jaehyun was always up for team activities, and so was Jeno. Even Ten wasn’t someone to shy away from a little physical activity, and if Taeil wasn’t working himself into an early grave, he was a useful jogging-buddy, too.

Yuta appreciated them all so much, loved them as his family and friends, and would protect them to his last breath if needed.

The love he felt for them… it was different than what he felt for Sicheng, wasn’t it? Their smiles didn’t make Yuta’s heart thunder, their voices didn’t sound like honey and velvet combined, and their expressions didn’t let Yuta forget everything else in the room.

The pavement was wet under his feet as they slapped onto the asphalt with every step. The tag of his collar kept rattling with his movements, slapping against his neck. There was nothing he could do but ignore it as he jogged down the path next to the Han river, the same he usually took. As a Hybrid, he had to be able to provide identification via the identification-tag at all times outside. The other tag was just a cute addition, given by Taeil to remind him he was loved and had a home.

His muscles started straining only ten minutes into the run, but that was to be expected after training so little. All he usually did was have little games in the park, nothing to really exhaust his body.

As he went, Yuta stared over the river. It truly was a magnificent view, like the life that ran through Seoul, yet like a break in the madness of the modern city.

Today, it was a break in Yuta’s brain, too. Sometimes, you needed to step back and evaluate what was going on.

The most pressing question in his mind right now was… what was it really, that he felt for Sicheng? And what did he want to do with that?

Ten had asked him if he was in love, just yesterday. And Yuta hadn’t been able to answer, had asked himself the same question to no avail hundreds of time.

Did he want to get closer to Sicheng? Yes.

Did he want to be friends with Sicheng? Also, yes.

But what else? He liked touching all his friends, Yuta was exceptionally needy when it came to skinship, he knew that. But with Sicheng it was even worse. He felt no desire to kiss Taeyong, on the contrary, but with Sicheng… the idea was intriguing.

He wanted to hear the life-stories from his friends, those living with him that he considered family. But with Sicheng, he really wanted to understand him, know all the little secrets – if Sicheng would let him.

His past, his present, his future, Yuta was curious about it all.

Those butterflies he felt in his tummy, this need to have his attention, this captivation he fell into whenever Sicheng was close… that was love, wasn’t it?

A drop of rain landed on Yuta’s nose and he looked up into the sky, seeing grey clouds had pulled together over him.

Would Sicheng feel the same? Was there a chance that he’d want to get to know Yuta? Maybe… Sometimes, Sicheng’s attention was all on Yuta, sometimes he could try and imagine that Sicheng’s eyes lingered on him for longer than normal.

But…

Was there anything worth getting to know?

Rain stared falling, and Yuta picked up his pace, hoping to get out of the downpour before he was drenched to his bones.

Yes. Yes, there were things worth getting to know. He was more than the darkness that liked to cloud his mind. If he thought he wasn’t, he was letting it win.

Yuta wouldn’t. He was the one in charge of his own happiness, and part of that included Sicheng. He was a reason to stand up in the morning, his smile was the cause of Yuta grinning like an idiot for the whole day.

He was a lovable person! He had a passion for cute romance, for sports, he was able to think of positive aspects in nearly every situation. There was more to him, he was a person interesting enough to get to know!

He just had to make Sicheng see that he was worth his time and attention.

The high rise in which Taeil’s office and their home were located came into sight, and Yuta slowed down. Water was dripping off his hair and his clothing stuck to his body, completely wet and cold, but it didn’t dim his mood.

Because he was in love!

“Yuta! Oh my god, you’ll get sick! Take that off!” Taeyong screeched, when he waddled into the entrance hall, leaving wet steps everywhere. It’d be moments before his attention would get drawn to the mess Yuta was causing and he’d be screeching for an entirely different reason, so Yuta let him pull on the wet jacket. “Why did you even go running in this weather! It was said to rain!”

“Well, certainly not to get you to strip me,” Yuta complained, but Taeyong was on a mission, clearly.

“You’re a medical professional, yet you do stuff like this.” The cat Hybrid huffed, and Yuta finally slipped from his grab.

“I’ll take a hot shower and I’ll be as good as new, please don’t make me walk around the flat naked, that’s not a kink I want to live out.”

“I was not going to!” Taeyong called after him, as Yuta ran down the hallway, giggling. His jacket was causing a puddle to build on the floor below where Taeyong was holding it.

 

Yuta ended up being right, he showered, dressed in a fluffy sweater, and didn’t even get a cold out of the run. Only a very helpful insight into his own head.

 

Birthdays generally were an exciting thing. At least since living with Taeil they were. Previously, Yuta had only realised he had aged another year because the Breeding Union’s officials came to evaluate and grade him, to determine his future worth. But now, Yuta got presents, extra attention, and a party.

In between all these amazing things, there wasn’t anything quite like getting a pencil drawing of himself from none other than Sicheng. It looked so realistic that Yuta had mistaken it for a filter over a photo for a second. It wasn’t, though. Sicheng had taken the time to draw him – Yuta, not Ten, not Taeyong, not Kun, not Doyoung. Yuta!

He was smiling in it, and it probably hadn’t been too long ago, because the happiness Sicheng had captured in his eyes was so genuine, so powerful, it had to be after that run he had taken.

But that wasn’t all. The picture was stunning and enough to make Yuta feel like weeping in happiness. On top, Sicheng allowed him a hug, as a thank-you.

There hadn’t been a lot of touching. Sicheng was slowly starting to accept it more and that he told them where his boundaries were made everything easier, but Yuta had ended up being the one still the furthest away from Sicheng, at least that was what it felt like. It was fine, patience was key here.

However, as he wrapped his arms around Sicheng, Yuta wished he’d never have to let go.

The bunny was a little taller than himself, with a lean build, but it felt like he fit perfectly against Yuta. His ears tickled on his face, and he smelt of clean cotton. He was careful, hesitant in hugging Yuta in return, but he didn’t back away, instead almost leaned against Yuta a little.

Just a little, but it was there, and Yuta wished it’d last forever, that he could have this whenever he wanted to.

Maybe. One day.

 

But, like all good things, eventually, the phase of utter happiness and the feeling of never having to be sad again ended after Sicheng’s birthday two days after Yuta’s.

He should have seen it coming.

Yuta had been much too happy for much too long now. But still, as he laid in bed and stared at the star stickers over his head, tiredness making his body heavy and unmovable, Yuta couldn’t hold back tears.

If only there were a way out of this. If only there were a recipe.

But there wasn’t. He was doomed to have this all his life, would have to struggle against the darkness forever.

If only Sicheng’s smile were the cure to everything.

The second alarm blared, the beep cutting through his eardrums at obnoxious volume, but he couldn’t be bothered to do anything about it. Eventually, Jaehyun’s head of black and white hair poked up from the lower bunk and he switched the alarm off, before flopping back into his blankets.

What reason was there? For what good reason should he continue this misery, if not even love was enough to break it for good?

Yuta rolled to his side and pulled his blanket up higher, letting only his hands peek out.

The voices in his head kept telling him there was no reason. No reason to live, no reason to be deserving of love, especially not from someone as beautiful and precious as Sicheng. All Yuta would do, was drag him down.

He traced over the scars. They weren’t as red anymore as they used to be. They had had a year to heal by now, actually, a bit over a year. A year and two days. But they were there forever, reminding him.

Of his failure to pull through with it, to end it for good.

Of what nearly would have been his last day.

Yuta squeezed his eyes shut. No.

They reminded him that there were people it was worth living for, that it wasn’t his time to die yet, that life had more in store for him.

The sound of Jaehyun’s phone chiming filled the room and Yuta rubbed his hands over his face and sat up.

He was letting the voices gain control again. He couldn’t let them, he had told Taeil he wouldn’t, more importantly, he had told himself he wouldn’t!

Even if Sicheng’s smile wasn’t strong enough to dispel the darkness, it was still a reason to live, it was a weapon to fight it.

Yuta climbed down the ladder and pulled white clothing from the closet. Jaehyun was still completely hidden under his blanket, only a foot peeking out. Yuta used his index fingers to push the corners of his mouth up. There. A smile. A good way to start the day, if he just believed in it.

 

During his low phases, Yuta felt constantly tired, would be the first one on the sofa in the evening, and the first one in bed.

Yet sleep wasn’t his friend. It came hard and when it did, it was light. It wasn’t rare for Yuta to wake up in the middle of the night from dreams of utter desolation. He was used to it, but it was still hard when he couldn’t stop crying. He objectively knew there was no reason, no explanation, no need to cry, but rational thought wouldn’t come through.

Tonight was one of those nights, and Yuta fled his shared room to avoid waking Jaehyun up. He didn’t want him to lose sleep over Yuta’s braining finding it fit to torture him with his depression.

The flat was quiet at such a late hour – or early, depending on how you approached it, and Yuta snug into the kitchen, knowing it was the furthest away from any rooms, leaving him with enough space to cry and calm down.

However, when he opened the living room door, there was already someone there, the light of a flashlight illuminating the sofa.

It was pointed on him now, and he had to close his eyes from the sudden brightness.

“Yuta-Hyung?”

It was Sicheng, his low tone velvety and lovely as always. Yuta quickly used his hands to cover his face.

“W-what are you doing here?” he asked, but his own voice was husky and rough, immediately giving his current state away.

“Just a small walk.”

“Ah.” There were still tears running down his face, but at least there was no light on him anymore, so hopefully, Sicheng hadn’t seen.

They stood in awkward silence for a few beats and Yuta tried to calm himself down, but it wouldn’t work.

“Do you want to trace the patterns of the wood of the kitchen table?” Sicheng suddenly suggested.

Yuta was stunned for a second, but, of course, he remembered when he had waited for Taeil to return from his session with the local medical association a few months ago, and Sicheng had kept him company. They had just run their fingers over the wood for almost an hour, and it had been wonderful for some odd reason.

“O-okay.” Yuta stuttered.

The kitchen light was even brighter than the flashlight, so Yuta kept his head down, hoping his hair and ears would mask the tears on his face, but Sicheng didn’t comment as they sat down next to each other.

He watched while he picked a trail to start off on, and silently followed the elegant finger with his eyes. Eventually, the endless misery that he had woken up in ebbed off and Yuta started mirroring Sicheng’s moves, focussing on the wood and how it had grown, once upon a time, when the table still had been a tree.

He didn’t realise their paths were crossing until Sicheng’s hand suddenly bumped into his, and his heart did a small flutter. Not as strong as it would have just two days ago, before another phase of low had hit, but enough to make Yuta feel it, feel the excitement over having Sicheng close.

“Sorry,” Sicheng muttered and quickly pulled away, but when Yuta looked up, he saw a soft tint of pink on his cheeks, and his heart did another skip in his chest.

 

As Christmas came closer, Yuta slowly learnt more about Sicheng. More about what he was scared of, what made him excited, what he used for inspiration to draw. It was baby steps, but it was wonderful. In turn, he tried to answer when there was a rare question directed at him from the bunny.

Overall, it still felt like they were skirting around each other more than anything, but it was so exciting, so much fun, that he didn’t mind.

When he struggled to stand up, he remembered that Sicheng loved to eat the peel of carrots and even peeled them specifically to have it. When he stared out the window, down onto the asphalt, for a little too long, he remembered that Sicheng preferred mint over dark green. When the scars on his wrists taunted him, he imagined them as strokes in one of Sicheng’s colourful drawings. Those on the big pad, that he sometimes showed others, when asked.

Finding out more about Sicheng was a reason to live, was a reason to make another day, because there was still unfinished business for Yuta on this plane.

And there was another thing that he found out about Sicheng, another adorable quirk, that just fit so well: he loved Christmas.

Never had he seen anyone so excited to hang up fairy lights, so invested into pages of ridiculous Christmas decoration, and…

Christmas sweaters.

Yuta found them absolutely hideous, but Sicheng’s eyes almost sparkled as he asked for a volunteer to make one for, so Yuta was the first to raise his hand, he even challenged Doyoung to a duel to the blood when he said he’d like one, too.

“I thought maybe green and red, and I could make the reindeer brown.” Sicheng pointed at the coloured yarn in the crafts shop’s magazine. He was next to Yuta on the sofa, which alone was enough to send Yuta’s heart into a ruckus.

“Yeah, that looks pretty great!” Yuta nodded. As long as Sicheng thought the colours were good, Yuta definitely agreed. He liked everything that Sicheng liked, and he even more liked it when Sicheng was happy because of the things he liked.

“Really?”

“Yeah, absolutely, the perfect colours for a Christmas sweater, don’t you think?”

“Y-yeah, I guess.” Sicheng nodded and raised the magazine. “I’ll check to see how much yarn I need exactly. I might have to measure you. Yeah, I’ll probably have to.”

“Okay.” Yuta nodded. He had zero objection to that.

“Yeah, uh… I’ll do it tomorrow then.” Sicheng muttered, face sunk into the magazine so deeply there was no way he was reading anything, but rather hiding, even as he stood up from the sofa and walked out the door, presumably to his room. His sweater was short enough to leave his fluffy tail out. Sicheng often hid it under oversized clothing. While Yuta thought he was adorable with sweater-paws and drowning in colourful hoodies, he also thought that bunny tails really were super cute.

“You’re a lost cause. Seriously. And I’ve seen Johnny stare after Ten with the worst case of tunnel vision anyone’s ever seen.” Jaehyun drily commented.

“Whatever, Johnny and Ten are adorable together. I’m happy to be compared to them.”

“Yeah… like I said. Lost cause.”

 

Christmas time and wintertime also meant more sick Hybrids, and that directly resulted in much busier office hours.

Yuta kept tapping his biro. “I could offer you a slot at 11:20.”

 _“No, that’s much too late, I called because it’s an emergency.”_ The woman on the other end snarled.

“Yes, I understand that, but there’s no immediate danger to their life…”

_“Well, I have to get this over with, do you think I have all day to run this overactive dog to the doctor?”_

Yuta took a deep breath. It was only 9 am, and he wished the shift would already be over.

“You can just come in and I’ll fit you in as quickly as possible, however, there might be a longer waiting period in that case.”

 _“Yeah, yeah, so in 30 minutes then?_ ”

“Like I said, you can drop by and I will fit you in according to schedule then.”

Without another word, the line died and Yuta very slowly put the phone down to avoid slamming it onto its base and breaking the whole thing.

Today was definitely one of the Tetris days. Not level 100 yet, but level 45.

“Excuse me, do you have some water, please?” Yuta looked up from the slowly filling schedule in front of him.

Was he a convenience store?

“I’m sorry, I’m afraid I don’t have water in stock.”

“Well, my daughter is thirsty. We’ve been waiting for nearly 20 minutes already.”

“I’m sorry for the inconvenience, however, we only have one licenced doctor and a resident working, so we can’t hurry more than we’re already if we want to give appropriate treatment to every patient.”

The man muttered something under his breath, that Yuta chose to ignore for the sake of not having the time, nor energy to deal with the disrespect, and turned back to the waiting room.

Really, front desk during winter weekends was the worst.

The phone rang again, and Yuta held in a groan and picked it up. He thought of Sicheng and the pencil drawing of himself he had hung up over his bed. Just like that, his mood improved and happiness bubbled in his tummy.

“Good morning, Heaven, Hybrid clinic, how may I help you?”

 

When Yuta locked the reception and switched the automatic answer that told callers they’d be back in an hour, after lunch break, he felt tired and like his brain was going to bid him goodbye by leaving his skull through his ears. Traitorous organ…

He’d take exhaustion from having worked hard over exhaustion for no reason any day, though.

Taeil and the others were still busy working, and Yuta check to see if either Kun or Seulgi needed him to help Taeil or Jungwoo, but they waved him off.

Jungwoo only had a few more months before officially becoming a doctor himself, so Taeil could let him work relatively independently without having to watch every step he made. Yuta remembered when Jungwoo had come to do his first internship, a few years ago. He had been so scared that Taeil would be this intimidating and mean person, that the people, who didn’t like Taeil for his working ethic, had made him seem to the poor doctor student back then.

Imagine the shock on Jungwoo’s face when Taeil had come in, young, handsome, charming - in Yuta’s completely unbiased opinion. It was understandable he’d develop a major crush on his boss. That something would actually come out of it still came relatively unexpectedly because Taeil used to be so goddamn oblivious. Jungwoo had been the one to take the chance and tackle it, and now they were being pretty cute together. Yuta grinned to himself as he bounced up the stairs. Today definitely was a good day.

Maybe he could watch some episodes of the revamped Fruits Basket anime in the evening. If he was in a good mood, he could handle the separation because everyone else was in the living room, watching Dramas. Yuta really wished there was someone to share the habit of watching Anime instead with, but he understood tastes varied.

As it was, Anime evenings were reserved to those during which he was particularly happy, or Sunday daytime, when everyone lazed around doing nothing.

Yuta typed in the combination to open the door. Taeyong had cleaned and no one had been around to ruin his efforts yet. So, Yuta had the honour to. He toed his white sneakers off and kicked them aside, before moving right into the living room, just across the hall.

It smelt of fish and Yuta sighed. Fish wasn’t his favourite, but he understood the cat Hybrids loved it and sometimes had to get their preferred foods, too.

“I’m back!”

He kept his voice down because he had spotted Sicheng on the sofa, invested in yet another handicrafts magazine. It was so cute…

“Yuta? You?” Taeyong poked his head from the kitchen.

“Yeah, I live here.”

“Sorry, obviously. I was just wondered where Ten and the little ones are, they were supposed to bring side dishes.” Taeyong muttered.

“Didn’t they go to play at Mark’s?” Yuta asked. If he recalled correctly, Jeno had intended to introduce his newly found human friend to his other Hybrid friends.

“Well, yes, but they were supposed to be back for dinner. Anyway, we still have a little, so let’s hope they haven’t forgotten. You know what, I’ll text them, just in case. Maybe animal control took them?”

“But they all have collars.” Yuta chipped in. Animal control only took in strays, and even with strays, they hardly cared and often left them to be picked up by gangs instead.

“Yeah, I know, but what if?” Taeyong blinked big, green eyes at him.

Yuta shrugged. He didn’t see any reason to worry. If Jeno, Jaemin, and Donghyuck were in a bunch, topped off with Yangyang, Chenle, and Jisung, he had little doubt that things escalated to the point where keeping track of time was deemed absolutely unnecessary.

“Yuta-Hyung? Do you maybe have time to measure? Because of the yarn, I have to tell Taeil-Hyung how much I need.” Yuta startled when he found Sicheng had sneaked over and stood right next to him.

Sicheng’s eyes widened when he realised Yuta had been surprised. “I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you!”

“I-It’s fine. I wasn’t scared, just surprised. I have time.” He nodded. His heart was suddenly thundering in his ears,

“Okay. Great!” Sicheng chirped “Let me grab my tape.” And with that, he rushed from the room. Yuta should have looked up what measuring implied. He suddenly felt inadequately unprepared – especially emotionally.

Sicheng returned with something, that was shaped like a flat tomato. It also had eyes.

“Uh… just… stand here?” Sicheng gestured to a free spot between the sofas and Yuta nodded dumbly, moving over.

Sicheng flipped open a magazine and put a notepad and pencil next to it. “Yeah, so.” He looked between the magazine and Yuta, fiddling with the flat tomato. Why was Sicheng nervous? It made Yuta even more nervous in turn! “I’ll just measure your torso? So the sweater fits well. If it’s too oversized it’ll look weird, but it’ll be even worse if it’s too small. So.”

“Okay.” Yuta nodded.

Sicheng stepped up and pulled on a flap on the tomato, which pulled out into a long band with numbers on it. “Can you put your arms up, like so?” the bunny demonstrated what he meant by doing it himself, and Yuta quickly mirrored him.

He wrapped his arms around Yuta, who nearly stepped backwards to give Sicheng space, but he realised he was just pulling the tape around his chest to measure the circumference. Due to the edge Sicheng had height-wise, he had no trouble adjusting it just how he liked it and Yuta heard the blood rush in his ears. Sicheng was right in front of him, so close he could see the individual lashes.

He smelt of fresh cotton again. Just a nice, clean scent.

Sicheng seemed satisfied with his result and stepped away to write down a number, followed by a few Chinese characters. His handwriting was a little messy but legible. Then, he was back in front of Yuta and measured from down his shoulder to the waistband of his trousers and Yuta focussed very hard on how there was a single strand of white hair on Sicheng’s head, that had decided to lie against his left ear and essentially stuck up at a 90 degree angle, and not where his hand was.

He kept going back and forth, and Yuta slowly calmed down from freaking out over having Sicheng touch him. He couldn’t help it, it was just so… new.

“Do you prefer long sleeves or not so much?” Sicheng asked, standing a bit to the side, where Yuta’s hands were slowly starting to tingle from having been up for so long.

“What’s a long sleeve and what isn’t?” he asked in confusion. Sleeve length on sweaters wasn’t something he usually paid attention to.

“Normal would be to here.” Sicheng gently put his fingers onto Yuta’s wrist. He felt the material of his sweater rub against the skin, especially where the scar sat. They were more sensitive than the rest of his body.

Embarrassment flooded his body. Sicheng wouldn’t be able to look through the fabric or feel it. But Yuta didn’t really want him to know. Not yet. He didn’t know how to explain it, was scared Sicheng wouldn’t understand or would start to see him as a weak person. He turned his hand, so Sicheng’s was on the upper side of his wrists, rather than on the lower. “I can make them longer. I think longer ones are comfier and you can still roll them up if you don’t want them.”

“Longer sounds good.” Yuta nodded. Sicheng moved his fingers to lie on Yuta’s bare hand and it felt like the skin was heating up just where he was touching, all his senses focussed on it.

“This long?”

“Sure.” Yuta definitely hadn’t prepared mentally for this.

“Okay.” Sicheng smiled and measure the distance between his shoulder and where his fingers were on Yuta’s hand.

 

When he was finished, Yuta felt a little bit like someone had given him an overdose of painkillers, his brain seemingly swimming in clouds. Maybe that was where the cloud nine thing came from?

If it was, Yuta had no complaints about staying there forever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To everyone who hoped I’d write more than intended: I did. This will be seven chapters ^^
> 
>  
> 
> [CuriousCat](https://curiouscat.me/Fox_155)


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> re-worked Sept 2019

Sicheng stared at the measurements he had taken. Yuta’s size was so similar to his own. Then again, there wasn’t much difference in their build, so it was to be expected. For some reason, it still surprised him.

He wondered if it was… maybe wrong to keep taking up Yuta’s time. He hadn’t missed how the other had looked at him while he had taken measure.

It had nearly been enough to make Sicheng run screaming. Because he didn’t know how to handle this while knowing that, eventually, it’d just… be gone. He wanted Yuta to keep looking at him like that.

Time was ticking though. Sicheng had started telling him things - sometimes, when he asked. It was really nice, Yuta’s questions were genuine, well-thought-out.

So far, he, for reasons beyond Sicheng’s understanding, hadn’t lost interest. He would, though. If not for his boring and bland personality, he was sure Yuta would turn in disgust if he started to really consider what he had been through. Sicheng had found out that Yuta hadn’t even kissed anyone yet. While Sicheng… kissing had been the least of what had been demanded by customers. Back there.

If only he could freeze time, keep this – well, whatever it was – but this situation in which Yuta liked him, only him.

On the other hand, many times when he found questions to return, and there were so many things that Sicheng genuinely wanted to know, Yuta just beamed at him and said he liked whatever he liked.

Sicheng didn’t know why he did that. Maybe he didn’t want to tell him? Maybe he wanted to make him feel better? But in the end, Sicheng really wanted to know about Yuta, not have him deflect his questions onto his own, boring personality. He already had enough of that as it was.

He traced over the colours Yuta had chosen for the Christmas Sweater. Or, well, Sicheng had wanted to suggest them and had hoped to hear what Yuta would prefer.

Asking for a person’s favourite colour was maybe a little childish, but Sicheng was curious. It was a small puzzle piece to the bigger picture of Yuta.

He just didn’t know how to tell Yuta that he didn’t want him to tell him he liked what he liked. He was scared to. Of course, he was.

It was a constant conflict of wanting to stop time and keep what he had, and pushing for more, finding out as much as he could, before, inevitably, it’d be over. The balance between wanting to have loved and lost, and never losing at all.

Sicheng sighed deeply and closed the magazine. It was ridiculously early for him to get up, but he had woken at 5 am and returned to wondering how to find out more about Yuta, how to overcome all this anxiety he constantly was in.

In fact, it was so early that Taeil was still showering, leaving the door locked when Sicheng had left his room and tried to go into the bathroom.

He would only have to wash his face, he could use the open one for that, he decided. Taeil’s flat had two bathrooms; one was always open, didn’t even have a key for the lock, the other one did and allowed you to lock it. He never used the open one to shower or anything. After having that ability to choose who got to see him taken for him for so long, he valued his privacy – maybe a little too much. Just the thought of joining when there were the bathing parties in the evening made him shudder.

But just his face would be fine.

Or not.

Because Sicheng opening the door and taking the first step inside was the exact same moment that none other than Yuta stepped from the shower.

Sicheng froze, door handle in hand, one foot inside, one in the hall. Yuta nodded his direction and pulled a towel from the rack. After a second, that felt like eternity, of staring, Sicheng finally snapped back into action.

“Sorry.” he stuttered and turned in the door, slamming it behind himself.

Heat rose to his face.

Was he an idiot?

Of course, Yuta would be up, and everyone knew he showered in the morning! Taeyong even had written and hung up a plan that told you when which person would block the bathroom – it didn’t really make it any less crowded, but it was a try.

He pressed his hands to his cheeks and felt them burn under his palms.

This wasn’t the feeling of disgust like he had had for his customers. He wasn’t turned off and horrified.

Which made it even more troubling. What the hell? Sicheng whimpered to himself in misery as he involuntarily recalled what he had just seen. He wasn’t sure what to do with this.

As he thought about it, he came to a much graver realisation, that made him feel a little sick: Yuta probably hadn’t wanted him to see!

The door hit him in his back, and Sicheng realised he had been freaking out right in front of it.

“Oh my god, sorry!” Yuta gasped, and Sicheng wanted to simultaneously run away, disappear into thin air, and fall to the ground to apologise. “Uh, are you okay?” The latter option seemed most appropriate.

“I’m sorry!” Sicheng forced out. As he said the words, the echo of his memories of electricity coursing over his skin slammed it a full force and he had to bring up a hand to soothe it. It was always there, whenever he spoke, but usually not like this. Maybe it was because he knew he had made a mistake. That’d worsen his load of disobedience and subsequently the punishment.

He had to close his eyes and remember it wasn’t really there, it was just a memory. No one would punish him anymore, people didn’t hate his voice, didn’t want him to be quiet.

“Are you okay?” Yuta gently asked, and Sicheng nodded, forcing himself to stop overreacting. “What… What are you sorry for?” Yuta added, looking genuinely confused.

“Uh…” Sicheng’s face burnt in new shame and his skin prickled uncomfortably. He hated it. He wanted to speak. It made things easier, it wasn’t bad to speak. Why did his head keep thinking it was? “F-for seeing?” he couldn’t say the word naked, it made him feel too ashamed.

“Seeing? What, uhm, what did you see?” Yuta started fumbling with his sleeves and wrapped a hand around his wrist. It was a habit Sicheng had noticed before but didn’t know the reason for. It might be similar to his own when he soothed the skin on his neck.

He couldn’t even look Yuta in the face, too ashamed by the whole ordeal.

“Private, erm, things and, yeah.”

“Private? As in… my dick?” Yuta sounded weirdly relieved over that. Sicheng wished the ground would just open.

“Sorry.” He was nearly squeaking now. Sicheng’s voice got squeaky at a quite low tone because it was so deep, and he really wished he didn’t sound so stupid, this whole ordeal was mortifying.

“Oh, don’t worry about that, actually, it’s really not something you did wrong at all, that door is open at all times, anyone showering in there risks it. I mean, it’s nothing to be ashamed of.”

Sicheng glanced up, and Yuta grinned and gave him two thumbs up.

“Is your neck okay, though? You looked like you were in pain. Is it something Taeil-Hyung should check?” Yuta asked, worry taking over his features.

“No. I mean, there’s no cause for it that Hyung could treat.”

Yuta’s face got even more serious at that. “Is it something psychological?” his voice softened and Sicheng appreciated it so, so much, despite still feeling ashamed over having seen… things.

“Yeah. I told Yixing-Hyung, he knows and… I’m working on it!”

“Good. That’s exactly what you should do! The attitude is also very helpful.” Yuta reached out like he was going to pet Sicheng’s ears. Sicheng expected to get scared, jerk away before he could even get close. However, all he felt was a small spark of nervousness, not true fear.

It didn’t even get to the point; Yuta stopped himself and quickly withdrew his hand. It was such a thoughtful thing to do, that Sicheng’s heart only thundered louder.

In a spark of surprising courage, his own hand darted forward, and he grabbed Yuta’s and put it into his hair, where he assumed he had intended to go for.

Yuta stared at him with wide eyes and didn’t move.

“It’s – um – it’s okay, I’m no longer very scared for ear pets. They’re nice.” Sicheng explained, feeling a little silly.

“Yes… yes they are, very nice!” Yuta nodded and then started moving his fingers against the base of Sicheng’s ears, gently massaging them.  “Can I do this all the time now?” he carefully asked.

“If you want to.” Sicheng wasn’t sure how he felt over the idea of Yuta petting him more often. Again, weirdly excited would describe it best.

“I…” Yuta nodded, seemingly failing to come up with words, as a blush spread over his cheeks.

Sicheng felt his heart flutter. Maybe he should just stop time… keep this… it was so… so… so wonderful.

 

In the end, curiosity won, and Sicheng hoped it wouldn’t kill the cat. Or the beagle.

Ten encouraged him to talk to Yuta, and he was going to.

Plans were ruined once more. In the evening when everyone was supposed to come home, an extremely angry looking Johnny nearly carried a shaking Ten into the entrance hall.

“T-Taeyong-Hyung?” Sicheng called, unable to do anything as he saw Ten so vulnerable and visibly scared. He had made so much progress, so much faster than Sicheng himself, seeing him like this was deeply unsettling.

Not to mention Sicheng had never seen Johnny look… pissed. Johnny had the patience of an actual angel, nerves made from titanium.

It was scary. Because Johnny was tall, broad, dark, with that look he had on now, Sicheng didn’t dare get closer.

Luckily, Taeyong had no such problems.

“Oh my god, what happened?” he asked, hurrying to gently wrap an arm around Ten, who stumbled from Johnny, who let go to hand him over to Taeyong.

“Some low life chasing his cat happened.”

Taeyong nodded, while Sicheng’s mind raced. Low life? Cat? Chasing them?

“Come on, Tennie, let’s take a nice bath, you’ll feel a lot better after.” Taeyong gently suggested and dragged Ten from the entrance hall, who followed without even answering. Sicheng looked after them for a second, fear and worry churning in his gut.

“What do you mean, low life?” Doyoung had appeared and now walked past Sicheng, arms crossed. Guanheng and Jeno were also in the hallway, trying to listen in, but not daring to get too close, like they knew this wasn’t for their young ears.

Johnny’s eyes landed on Sicheng for a second, and the anger dispelled, leaving sadness. It was probably because Ten was safe. Johnny and Ten were… well, Sicheng was quite sure they were in love, or on the way there. Of course, Johnny would get protective over Ten, especially since he was a dog Hybrid, they always had strong protective instincts, which had many benefits.

“Gang member, from the red-light district. He had a dog Hybrid.” Johnny rubbed his hands over his face. “Apparently, their cat Hybrid escaped and ran from them, right into Taeil-Hyung’s office. He’s currently being treated, but the man tried to get him back… without treatment.”

“Asshole,” Doyoung whispered. When it came to a Hybrid’s life being handled like a disposable object, he was always even more passionate to point out that it was nothing but murder. Not like anyone else wouldn’t. Just like Sicheng, Doyoung had met Taeil for the first time on what had been supposed to be his last day. Another person that would have been legally killed.

 

By the time Yuta returned, Christmas Sweaters were the last thing on Sicheng’s mind. Ten had recovered from the shock, but it was still upsetting Sicheng, to see how affected he had been.

Ten and Jeno were on the sofa, flipping through the photo book Johnny had left after completing his re-telling of the earlier happenings, and Sicheng wished he could help, but he felt so… overwhelmed.

“Hey.” Sicheng looked up from the apple he had been nibbling on and saw Doyoung smile at him. “You okay?”

Sicheng shrugged.

“Have some chocolate, that always helps.”

“We have chocolate?”

“Of course, we do. Taeyong thinks he’s so smart by hiding it up on the cupboards where he can hardly reach when he’s such a shortie.” Doyoung chuckled and opened one of said cupboards.

Doyoung was right. The chocolate helped. What helped even more was curling up next to Ten and making sure he was really okay.

 

Even with everyone in the mindset that they’d obviously help the cat that had found shelter with Taeil, he, whose name no one knew because he wouldn’t tell them, interrupted their routine.

It affected each of them differently. For Sicheng, it woke memories he thought he had left behind. And he wasn’t sure why. When Ten had come, he had reminded him of his past, too, but it hadn’t unsettled him in this way.

Maybe it was because Ten hadn’t really affected the others much. He hadn’t liked the dogs, Taeil, but he had gotten along with the cats and bunnies. The new cat, apparently, hated them all and made that very known. Taeil, Yuta, Jaehyun, and Kun felt that daily and brought it home from work – some more than others. It started a chain reaction, which meant everyone was thrown off balance in one way or another.

It wasn’t the cat’s fault, Sicheng told himself. It was these terrible, awful, heartless people, who put him through the same things he had been through – maybe worse.

But when he woke in cold sweat for the second night in a row, Sicheng couldn’t stop himself from thinking for a small second that it’d be easier if he hadn’t found Taeil.

Of course, he quickly pushed that thought from his mind. Guilt made his stomach clench, for thinking something so awful. He himself had benefitted from Taeil’s big heart and moral compass when he had been supposed to be thrown away for no longer benefitting his previous owner. Being able to escape that abuse he had suffered back then still felt unbelievable, still was something he was thankful for daily.

No one deserved to be treated like that, no one deserved to be stuck as a doll to make money for corrupted assholes like these gang members. Sicheng still struggled to think these names, but if he faced these demons of the past, they’d lose their power over him.

The cat, whatever his name was, deserved to be here, deserved to get better, and find a loving home, just how Sicheng had. He was going to help give him that loving home!

These nightmares were just echoes of what had been his life, and probably that Hybrid’s life not very long ago. Now they were only bad dreams, not reality anymore.

He switched on his vegetable flashlight and softly patted through the flat.

Yesterday, he had been alone during his walk. Today, the kitchen lights were on.

“Yuta-Hyung?” Sicheng whispered and pushed the door open carefully.

As expected, the Beagle was on the kitchen table, sitting in perfect quiet.

“Yeah?” he asked, voice husky, which made Sicheng guess he had cried.

“Can I come in?”

There was a moment of silence and Sicheng thought Yuta wouldn’t answer and didn’t want him near, so he had already turned in the door by the time a soft “Yes.” Came.

Sicheng hurried to close the door without making noise and sat down on the kitchen table next to Yuta. He had pulled his sleeves over his hands and gripped them, hiding his hands. His eyes were red and puffy, still a bit too shiny.

Sicheng carefully put his hand over Yuta’s and rested his head on his shoulder. Yuta liked touching. Slowly, Sicheng was understanding why. It could make you feel better.

“He’s… he’s in a really bad place.” Yuta whispered.

“The cat?” the echo of electricity tingled on Sicheng’s skin. Faint and not painful. Just… there. To remind him. He hadn’t overcome it yet.

“Yes. He tried to escape… said he doesn’t want help, doesn’t want to get better.”

“He doesn’t want to live?” Sicheng softly asked. He had heard of that happening before. It sounded terrible if you were so young and couldn’t see a reason to live anymore. No matter how bland and boring he was, how awful his life had been, for Sicheng, he had always wanted to continue it. Now, that he knew things would really get better, even more so than before. That didn’t mean he didn’t understand he was lucky for this will to live, that it wasn’t a matter of course.

“Y-yeah. Yeah, that.” Yuta whispered. Sicheng couldn’t see his face, but it seemed to hit very close to home for him.

“Taeil-Hyung will help him, though, right?”

“He wants to. I just… I just hope we can. I just hope it’s not…”

Not too late.

“I don’t think it’s ever hopeless.” Sicheng softly chipped in “Not if there’s people around you helping. If you’re alone, then it might… but not if he gets people around himself.”

Yuta was rubbing his arms again, Sicheng felt it since he still had his hand on the one where Yuta was massaging the wrist of.

“Even then… it… sometimes… can be.”

Sicheng pulled away and looked at Yuta. He hated the expression he saw, hated the desolation in his eyes, the misery they spoke of.

“Do you feel hopeless?” he asked and tightened his grip on Yuta’a hand. The idea that he might be tired of living scared Sicheng.

“No.” Yuta immediately shook his head “No, I’m not, I have a reason to live, no, many reasons to live!” His eyes were on Sicheng.

Was it too much to believe that maybe Sicheng was a reason to live for Yuta?

He wanted to be, but he felt like he never would be enough.

“But I once did. I had Taeil-Hyung, I had the others, but it just wasn’t enough, the darkness still consumed me, and…” a tear dropped from Yuta’s left eye. He didn’t have to say what had happened. Sicheng’s stomach churned. The thought that Yuta could have not been around when he had come, could have not done for him what he had, that he could have never met him, gotten to experience these feelings – it was heart-breaking. And at the same time, Sicheng was so grateful that hadn’t been their fate.

He scooted closer, his thigh pressing against Yuta’s now, as the other continued on: “I’m scared for him.”

Sicheng pulled down his own sleeve and dabbed the tear off Yuta’s face, feeling his own vision get blurry from too much water in his own eyes.

“You’re here now, though. And you won’t… want to go again, right?” Sicheng asked. “Please don’t.”

Yuta looked up from his sweater-paws. The misery was gone now, leaving an expression Sicheng didn’t know how to read. He looked beautiful.

“I won’t.”

It felt like he got lost in Yuta’s eyes as they looked at each other. It was all he could focus on. Yuta never looked away, seemingly just as captivated. It was like there was nothing else in the room and time slowed down. There were only the two of them. Upon first glance, Yuta’s eyes looked brown, but they weren’t as simple as they appeared. There were many different shades of brown, a dark one on the outside bleeding into the lighter one you first saw when looking at him, and around his pupils it was back to dark, so dark it was hard to even tell where the iris ended and the pupil began.

In a way, it was like Yuta’s personality. Happy and easy-going at first glance, but caring and thoughtful underneath, and haunted by this darkness that he was fighting.

The fridge’s cooling turned on and the humming ripped through the moment.

Suddenly feeling embarrassed over staring so blatantly, Sicheng quickly looked away and wiggled around in his chair.

“I feel a lot better. Thank you for being here, Sicheng. Really.” Yuta muttered.

“I-It’s the same for me. Thank you, too.”

Sicheng felt Yuta’s hand in his hair, carefully stroking over it and weaving through the short strands, and the fuzziness in his brain seemed to spread through all his body, making it prickle – but not uncomfortably.

 

As he had become his most drawn motive, Sicheng was able to recall Yuta’s face from his mind quite well by now. He spent all the next day trying to bring that expression he had worn yesterday to paper. The more he worked on it, the more Sicheng was confused about what it even held. Hope? Fear? Surprise? Wonder? More than that?

But the longer he looked at his, more or less failed, attempts to capture the essence of Yuta’s emotions, the more Sicheng gathered resolution to ask him again which colours he liked for his sweater. It was just another layer he wanted to push away to reveal more underneath, to get closer to truly understanding and knowing Yuta.

To reading this beautiful expression.

 

However, when he stood in Yuta’s room, the handicraft magazine in hand, it was suddenly scary again.

“Is it because of the sweater?” Yuta asked carefully, while he stood there, useless and scared. It was so dumb, why did he keep returning to these patterns?

Sicheng nodded and rose the magazine higher, like hiding behind it would help.

“If you don’t want to do it anymore that’s fine, really, it’s so much work. I’d understand!”

Of course, he would. Yuta was always there to reassure Sicheng.

“No, just… I wanted to ask because of the colours… again. Because… I – uh – you said you liked the ones I suggested.”

“Yeah, I do!” Yuta nodded. His ears flopped around because they were so long. It looked cute, it always looked cute when they moved with Yuta’s motions. Sicheng took another breath.

“But… what colours do you like? I already know what I like, I’d rather know your opinion.” Sicheng rose the magazine higher, but Yuta only looked surprised, not angry.

“My…” he mumbled and furrowed his brows, visibly thinking hard. “I, well, I like what you like, because what you like makes you happy, and that you’re happy is my number one priority!”

Sicheng felt his face flush, however, Yuta didn’t even flinch, looking dead serious. “Why?”

“Because I like you.”

Sicheng grabbed the magazine tighter as his heart picked up speed, hammering away in his chest.

“B-but I’m really boring and… uh… anxious, mostly, there’s not much likeable.”

Yuta gasped and jumped up, but quickly sat back down when Sicheng startled from the sudden movement.

“Are you kidding? You’re not BORING!” It sounded like he had insulted the past 10 generations of Beagles, plus Snoopy, as their representative, in particular.

“W-well but I’d really like to hear what you like.”

Yuta nodded, looking deep in thought. “What colours are there? I… I like blue, does blue work?”

Sicheng perked up. Blue! Of course, blue worked! Excitement sparked in his chest and he hurried over to where Yuta was sitting on a dresser and put the magazine down next to him, opening the marked page, where his choice of yarn was pictured in all the different colours it came in.

“There’s lots of blue!”

 

The flat rarely was completely empty. And it wasn’t today. Not completely, Sicheng was home, and so was Yuta, who had to occasionally check on the cat Hybrid downstairs. For his own safety, Taeil had put him under sedation until he was relatively healed. It helped relax everybody.

Taeil and all the others were gone to celebrate Chenle’s 15th birthday.

Sicheng felt a bit regretful that he couldn’t go. Leaving the flat was still… terrifying. The gazes on the streets never got better, the cars were loud, commercials flashing, it was completely overwhelming and awful.

Never mind that Chenle was going to play some ball game, which required people running after each other. Sicheng felt himself start to tremble at the idea alone. Bunnies were prey animals, chasing meant danger, an instinct he wasn’t ready to fight against yet. So, staying back it was.

He had nearly completed the back piece of Yuta’s sweater, was finishing the hem when Yuta returned from downstairs.

“How is he doing?” Sicheng asked. The feeling of electricity was very faint. It got less every day, the more he spoke, the less it got. It showed him that it was in his hand to win over the bad memories.

“Okay, vitals are all good. He does have a very colourful language, I’m not overexaggerating when I say I’ve never heard someone so young curse as much as he does.” Yuta ruffled his own hair and flopped down on the sofa.

“Maybe he just adapted to his surroundings?” Sicheng suggested. He remembered the strong language used back at the place the gang used to keep him.

“Perhaps.” Yuta nodded. He pulled his laptop from where he had abandoned it in the sofa’s pillows, while Sicheng finished the knitwork off and pulled the thread tight to avoid anything from opening back up. He dared to sneak a peek onto the screen, to see what Yuta was watching.

“Is that an anime?” he asked. Yuta sometimes spoke about them, but the interest wasn’t really shared with anyone else. Taeyong apparently sometimes watched them, too, but for the most part, everyone was stuck on Korean love dramas that always seemed to have the same plot and awkward kissing scenes.

The visuals at first glance reminded Sicheng of the cartoons his breeder had let them watch when he had been little, but, instead of comically overdrawn animals, there were people on the screen, humans, but… not really, because of the drawing style they looked like from another planet.

“Erm, yeah. Yeah, it is.” Yuta cleared his throat.

“Are you going to watch that now?” Sicheng wondered if he could maybe join. He was curious to see what Yuta liked to spend his free time with.

“Yeah. Do you want to watch it with me?” Yuta sounded surprisingly excited at the prospect, not at all annoyed over having to share the screen.

“Yes, please!” Sicheng nodded, feeling his ears bounce.

“O-okay. Well, it’s in Japanese, actually, uh can you read subtitles?”

Sicheng nodded. His knowledge of Chinese characters was a bit limited, unfortunately, because it hadn’t been deemed necessary for him to learn the regular 8,000 characters a human would be taught, but he had caught himself up to the most important ones he needed to get past in daily life.

“Korean? Or Chinese?” the mouse hovered over the subtitle options.

“C-Chinese.”

“If they’re too fast, or it’s confusing, tell me, okay? I’ll explain anything!” Yuta looked very determined and Sicheng nodded.

 

Honestly, it was a little confusing to get into the plot at first, despite them starting with episode 1. The laptop screen was kind of small, too, and Sicheng kept scooting closer to see better until his whole body was pressed against Yuta’s.

However, Yuta didn’t seem annoyed at all as Sicheng kept asking small questions and they had to interrupt. He explained why the guy was voiced by a woman, why the eyes of the protagonist’s best friend glowed purple, he explained why the guy could talk to rats, he explained how the nicknames worked, everything.

And he let Sicheng slowly wrap himself around him more and more until they were basically cuddling, Sicheng’s chin hooked over Yuta’s shoulder, arms and legs entangled.

Yuta smelt good, his hair in particular. He definitely used a different shampoo than himself, but then again, there were different types for the different types of Hybrid, so Yuta’s was probably for dogs, and not for rabbits.

Sicheng didn’t fail to focus on the plot though, because… well, because it was actually very good. They ended up watching three episodes. It was oddly relatable, much more than the dramas that were acted by humans. Sicheng found humans not relatable, but these weren’t exactly humans, it was easier to see himself in them.

“And? How did you like it?” Yuta asked when the end-credits rolled. He turned a little, and Sicheng realised his face was suddenly close, VERY close. He noticed Yuta’s eyelashes were the same rust-brown colour his eyebrows and most of his hair was.

His heart picked up in speed, and he pulled off his shoulder to get some distance between the two of them. “I liked it a lot. Maybe we could watch more of it in the future?”

“Yes!” Yuta burst, before clearing his throat “I mean, yeah, sure. There’s also a Manga to this, which actually is the original, maybe I can find it in Korean or Chinese for you, I only have the Japanese version. Who… who did you like the most?”

Yuta was definitely trying to seem nonchalant now, but Sicheng saw right through him. He was passionate about this. It was cute. Sicheng suddenly realised this was something Yuta really liked and no only had he gotten to know it better, could appreciate it more now, no, he was kind of part of it now because he genuinely enjoyed it, too.

The prospect was ridiculously exciting.

“Sohma Kyo!”

Yuta’s cheeks started to tinge a soft hue of pink “Oh, really? I didn’t expect that.”

“Really? Who do you like?” Sicheng found the whole personality very interesting so far. He was obviously not treated well, but he reacted to it by showing aggression. Is might not be a good coping mechanism, but Sicheng always admired people who fought back, rather than taking it. Not to mention, he found the outsider role relatable. For very long, Sicheng had felt like that too, left out, first on purpose, later because of himself.

“My favourite hasn’t actually appeared yet, but I guess I find Kyo an interesting character, too. Actually, all of them are, in the Manga even more so, there’s more time to explore. The whole family and power dynamic, enforced through tradition and social pressure, is intense. Seeing them break it and break the abuse is absolutely amazing. And… okay, this is getting boring, sorry.”

“It’s not.”

“You think? Yeah. I get a bit nerdy, I guess.” Sicheng actually found it exhilarating to see Yuta open up about what HE liked, not what he liked because Sicheng liked it, so freely, so he shrugged.

“I like hearing about your opinion, it was really cute how you started to rant.”

Yuta looked so dumbstruck at that, it made the silence that followed uncomfortable and awkward. Sicheng had to fill it, so he grabbed for a straw to break it.

“I think I mispronounced his name, didn’t I?” He hadn’t heard a lot of Japanese, in fact, the combined 75 minutes of the episodes had probably been longer than all the Japanese he had heard combined previously to today.

“Kyo?”

“Kyo… K-yo?” Sicheng tried to mirror how Yuta had said it, but it wouldn’t come out quite as light and effortlessly, “It still sounds off.”

“N-no, it’s fine.” Yuta nodded, his face deeply flushed by now. The silence suddenly felt even more uncomfortable and awkward, and Sicheng’s skin was starting to feel burning hot where he was still touching Yuta, so he slowly pulled away and sought refuge behind his knitting needles, while Yuta kept staring off into nowhere.

Sicheng wasn’t sure if he was the reason for Yuta’s expression, if he was reading it correctly.

But if his mind, where no one could tell him otherwise and no one could ridicule him for reaching for absurd conclusions he wished were true, he thought he looked love-struck.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't let yourselves be fooled, we have not yet arrived at the cute, fluffy happy end...
> 
>  
> 
> [CuriousCat](https://curiouscat.me/Fox_155)


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OMG, before getting into this, can we please talk about Park Jisung’s singing voice in Don’t Need Your Love? I am shook, my wig is snatched, and my ears are blessed.
> 
> re-worked October 2019

Yuta couldn’t remember a winter that had been as happy as this.

It wasn’t like every morning was easy, like every night, every day was, and like he didn’t have to go a bit more often to see Seohyun to talk sometimes.

Still, when he stared at the sticky stars and searched for a reason to get up, it was easier to find one.

Like a domino starting a line of falling, Yuta had more energy for everything, could appreciate small things he wouldn’t have had any mind for normally.

“Yuta, Christmas is over, please take off that sweater.”

“Why? Do you feel intimidated? Personally offended?” Yuta rubbed his hands over the blue sleeves. Honestly, he was worried the knitting would just be worn down too quickly because he kept putting it on, but he couldn’t help it! He loved it so much because every single part of it was from Sicheng. It was the best sweater to ever grace the face of earth and no one could tell him otherwise.

On top, Sicheng had a matching one. Not in blue, but in green, red, and brown, the colours he had suggested for the piece in the first place. But the pattern was identical, and Yuta knew they were a set, so that was enough. Sicheng was also still wearing his, so Yuta wouldn’t stop doing the same.

“Yes.”

“Oh no. Is it a reindeer phobia?”

“I swear to god…” Doyoung took a deep breath and slowly let it out through his nose, counting to ten, before continuing “Please, Yuta, wear something different.”

“Uh… no.”

Christmas had only ended a few days ago, there was no reason to not live in Christmas spirit a little longer. The others had even agreed to leave the decoration up for now. Sicheng had looked downright devastated when Guanheng had suggested eating the gingerbread house since it wouldn’t be needed anymore.

“It’s New Year’s Eve and you’re wearing a Christmas sweater,” Doyoung called after him, but Yuta ignored him.

Yes, it was New Year’s Eve. They were one week into the winter break Taeil took, and, by now, he normally would have been in the state where Jaehyun had to drag him out of bed and he’d just lie around the sofa all day.

Most doctors took Chinese New Year off, leaving Hybrids without many places to get treatment at. To give them a place where they could get the care they needed, Heaven was opened. To still ensure a much deserved break, Christmas was closed in turn. Everyone needed holidays and a pause from daily life.

Everyone, expect Yuta.

A break meant the routine, he leaned onto normally, suddenly broke away. He didn’t do well without his job to give him stability.

He still felt that effect, that lack of something fixed to do. But it wasn’t as bad as it used to be the previous years.

Part of it was due to new motivation from outside. He didn’t want to be a mess with all these younger Hybrids around, with Sicheng seeing.

And part of it was due to Sicheng’s actions. The first day of holidays, he had asked if they could read Fruits Basket together since they had finished the Anime and he wanted to know more, the full story.

Yuta may or may not have been close to having a heart attack. Just how he felt on the occasions that Sicheng tried to tackle the Japanese language. He already loved his voice, low and smooth, but when he used that velvet baritone to speak in Yuta’s native, it was like angels singing – and no, Yuta wasn’t over-dramatic.

He hadn’t really expected to find an Anime-watch-buddy in the guy he had a giant crush on, but there wasn’t a more perfect scenario he could come up with if he had tried. That Sicheng would be interested, to the point of not only wanting to watch the series Yuta suggested but even read the source material, was baffling. Like he hadn’t already been perfect in Yuta’s eyes, no, every day new wonderful aspects were added.

 

Yuta had been over the moon and back, and then, Sicheng had started cuddling. At first, Yuta hadn’t been sure it was that, but happened again and again and again, each time they watched something together, or now read together. Even when they had watched ridiculously cheesy Christmas movies and all squeezed around the tv over the last days, Sicheng had put his head onto Yuta’s shoulder and nuzzled closer.

 

To say Yuta was falling more in love every day sounded cheesy, but it was what was happening.

If he was honest… he thought his feelings weren’t completely one-sided. Not sure enough to really allow himself to think that Sicheng might be in love with him, too, but he was trying to collect enough proof to justify the conclusion. He didn’t want to become Taeil 2.0, completely oblivious to what was right in front of him, but Sicheng wasn’t one for big hints. He was subtle and quiet in all that he did.

But there were some indicators.

Like the portrait. No one had ever even seen Sicheng draw people, no one else had been given a similar work, it was a Yuta-exclusive.

Furthermore, Sicheng had the tendency to get so absorbed in a plot he forgot Yuta wasn’t a pillow and snuggled so tight Yuta could bury his nose in his hair and inhale that wonderful clean cotton scent. Once the episode would be over, Sicheng returned back to reality and usually noticed just how close they were. The first times it had happened, Sicheng had blushed and pulled away, trying to start an awkward conversation.

Now, he usually stayed just where he was.

More than once, Yuta had noticed Sicheng’s eyes linger on his lips. It wasn’t like he wasn’t guilty of this, too. He had stared at Sicheng’s lips plenty, probably for hours at this point, wondered what they felt like.

Yuta wouldn’t take the first step, though. He was much too insecure in that whole field, and still too unsure of Sicheng’s feelings and in where his boundaries were. It’d be terrible to misstep and ruin what he had.

Patience, it was the keyword, the trait he had trained in himself over the course of his quest to Sicheng’s heart. If Sicheng was ready, he could take the next step, that was how they had built their relationship.

 

The kitchen was crowded. Where Doyoung with his obedient minion Yuta was responsible for setting the table and getting everything ready for their celebration later, Taeyong held the rule over the food, as he usually did. Yuta pushed past Jeno, who was chopping vegetables on the counter, to get to the cutlery drawer. He pulled out chopsticks to continue his tasks given by Doyoung – like the role model he was.

He glanced over to the kitchen table, the one with the trace-able wooden top. It looked different in the daylight, with so many people around it. Sicheng was next to Ten, also chopping. On the other side of the table were Kun and Xiaojun, the former explaining something to the latter. Xiaojun was their newest addition, a Hybrid that had literally stumbled into their lives by fleeing into Taeil’s office. He came from the same place Ten had, as they had found out by chance.

Yuta had a past that involved Yakuza, so he knew these people, knew how terrible and cold-hearted they were. Ten had let him in on his own experiences, had given him a deeper insight, so Yuta believed he had a relatively clear idea, without wanting to impose on really knowing. Because he didn’t know everything, had hadn’t been put through the life of forced prostitution.

Only another person faced with the same type of trauma could really, truly understand. Even then, every fate was different, and every person reacted differently to what they were faced with, and it showed. Sicheng, Ten, and Xiaojun, their past could be compared, but they were nothing alike.

When scared, Sicheng had reacted with quiet, he had pulled away and isolated himself.

Ten had been more outspoken, depending on how he judged the person he was faced with. Overall, the worst damage he had done was a bite on Taeil’s hand that had scarred, nothing too dramatic.

Meanwhile, Xiaojun didn’t care that he was only 1.65 and skinny on top. If things scared him, he attacked. He didn’t make any difference between who was in front of him. It was learnt behaviour to protect himself, he’d hit first, ask questions later – sometimes with words, sometimes with physical violence.

They tried their best to still make it work regardless, include him in their family, help him.

It was just that much harder because he didn’t believe yet that there could be a way out, that there were actually people who wanted to help and not hurt.

The key to getting Xiaojun’s affection – which he had a lot of, hidden far under a lot of hissing and scratching – was to give him proof he could trust someone – at least to the degree he was still able to trust after whatever he had been through.

Yuta had successfully earned that trust, much to his own bafflement.

It was a new experience for him, to be the person that was somewhat in the role of a teacher. But that was what he tried to be for Xiaojun, to the best of his abilities. It was a motivation to grow into someone not only fighting for their own sake, but able to set a positive example and teach.

Next to Yuta, Xiaojun only really liked Kun and Ten. With anyone else, it was a fickle balance of what Xiaojun would allow, and what was too much. Finding that out involved a lot of trial and error. They tried to get him to openly communicate, and it had gotten a lot better but there was still a very long road ahead.

The only other one not having to play that wobbly game of tiptoeing around blurry boundaries nor having to figure out a way to show his sincerity through action, seemed to be Chenle, one of Yukhei’s puppies. No one really knew why. The group of younger Hybrids were all quite similar in that they were often brash and loud – something that Xiaojun struggled to deal with and made him the only one not integrated into that group of friends, despite fitting in age-wise. Chenle was brash and loud, too, but he seemed to have found the right way to address Xiaojun, to pick him up in his fears and worries.

 

The reason why it looked like they had entered mass production of food was the size of the party.

Obviously, there were the eleven of them, so a whole football team worth of people. Naturally, Taeil wanted to spend the night with his boyfriend, and since Jungwoo was finished with his school and kind of jobless right now, he had the night off and no reason not to come. Jungwoo brought Jaemin, his Hybrid, which already made thirteen people.

Then, it had transpired that Mark’s parents had already left after their Christmas visit, leaving their son alone for New Year. Not really alone, because Mark had two Hybrids to keep him company, but Taeil had deemed it necessary to invite him nevertheless. Not to mention that Ten and Johnny had finally announced their relationship at some point in December, so it was only fair Ten got to spend the night with his boyfriend, too.

In the end, there were now sixteen people to feed. Mass production was the only solution or they’d go hungry and Taeyong would probably fall into crisis over having failed in his role as the mother hen.

 

Yuta thrived in social situations. He loved having people around, the more the better. Combined with his overall good mental health, he was in the best mood of any New Year’s Eve he had ever celebrated. Sicheng seemed a bit warier, so Yuta made sure to include him. He wanted him to have a good time, too.

They played board games that Donghyuck had brought. To his great joy, Sicheng agreed to be on a team with him, so the evening was basically already perfect at 8 pm.

Sicheng didn’t outright join the screaming over unfair game strategies and cheating throughout the rest of the night, but he was quite invested in winning and it seemed like he enjoyed himself. He kept tugging Yuta closer to softly suggest their next moves. Each time he did, Yuta felt his whole body tingle in excitement.

There was only one minor incident of Xiaojun biting Guanheng, but Guanheng and he had a very strained relationship, to begin with. Taeil patched the younger cat up, and everyone returned to the games. Guanheng could handle a little biting. He was usually pushing things with Xiaojun, so he was to blame as well.

In the end, Ten and Johnny won the overall score, which led to Donghyuck throwing a tantrum until he was appeased with sweets. Yuta wondered if sixteen wasn’t too old to still throw tantrums, but it also wasn’t really his problem if Donghyuck was a spoilt brat or not.

Time had passed in a blur, and suddenly it was already half an hour until midnight. They had planned to go to the Gwanghwa square to get the perfect view of the firework held there. Everyone was busy trying to find their shoes, jackets, and collars, except Sicheng. Yuta hadn’t yet gotten the chance to throw himself into the mess that was the entrance hall, so he noticed that he was slowly backing away from the door.

“Don’t you want to come?” he softly asked, holding his hand out, and Sicheng took it, stopping his retreat.

“I said I wanted.” Sicheng bit his lower lip to the point it turned white.

He was scared. Yuta knew Sicheng was annoyed with himself for being scared often. He shouldn’t be. It was normal to be scared, everyone got scared.

“It’s pretty cold outside, to be honest. We can probably see the firework from the windows here, and not freeze our butts off.” Yuta contemplated.

“But you want to go with them, don’t you? You should.” Sicheng pushed on his arm a little.

“I want to be where you are.” Yuta softly argued, not moving.

“I feel like I’m caging you in, holding you back!” Sicheng whispered.

“But how could you, when I’m the one choosing? Do you feel caged?”

“No, I… but it’s my instincts, not yours.”

“I don’t feel caged in the home I choose. And I don’t feel held back when all we’re doing is taking time.”

“But it’s too much time!”

“It’s not too much time if it’s the amount of time you need. Or I need. W-we need.” Yuta hoped there was a we to speak of.

Sicheng nodded, but he didn’t look convinced.

Yuta understood. If he could choose, he’d just strip himself of his depression, strip Sicheng of his trauma and anxiety, and make him feel the same he felt for him, go on cute dates, kiss and cuddle, like the couples in his Anime.

The world just didn’t work like that. To get to that goal, he had to work hard. First on himself, then on the relationship between the two of them.

To Yuta, it seemed like it’d be worth it in the end. No, he knew it’d be worth it. So, he kept holding on. But he also knew this involved two. Where Sicheng wasn’t there yet, Yuta couldn’t be the one doing all the work. It wasn’t healthy for anyone, but not for someone like himself in particular. So, he couldn’t go there yet, he had to wait.

And that was okay with him. Sicheng needed this reassurance, even though it was hard to keep being faced with doubt instead of hope.

Most things in life that were really worth it came at a price, and that price was the work it’d take to get the place next to Sicheng’s side.

 

Yuta had meant it. Outside was cold and unpleasant in late December. The sofa was a lot nicer. Especially, since Sicheng curled up against him.

Yuta had both his hands in his soft hair, and Sicheng kept sliding lower and lower. He had started out on Yuta’s shoulder, but by now, his head was nearly in his lap.

“Yuta-Hyung, have you seen fireworks before?” Sicheng whispered as he nestled his head on Yuta’s thigh to get comfortable.

“Yeah, every year on the 31st. Haven’t you?”

“No. I wasn’t allowed out a lot, there also weren’t many windows and nights meant… customers. So.” Sicheng stiffened and Yuta massaged his neck a bit, and he eventually relaxed again.

“We definitely have to make sure to see them then, they’re really pretty.” Yuta glanced at the clock, but there was still time left.

“I saw pictures on google.”

“They’re better in reality, I promise.”

“Really?” Sicheng turned a little to look up at him, and Yuta’s heart jumped in his chest.

“Y-yeah. They’re like shooting stars, but better, because there’s more.”

“I saw a shooting star before. Once. Did you know you can make a wish?”

“Yeah, but I’ve never seen one. I’m so jealous you did.” Sicheng smiled, looking rightfully proud. “Has your wish come true?”

“No. But maybe it just needs more time.”

“What did you wish for?”

“You can’t tell!” Sicheng gasped. “That’d ruin it!”

“I wasn’t aware of that.” Yuta chuckled.

“Well, now I told you, so if you catch one you don’t make any mistakes.”

“In that case, thank you.”

“You’re welcome.” Sicheng hummed.

Yuta stroked his fingers up over Sicheng’s ears. They were so impossibly soft, and they felt so different from his own, he often found himself intrigued. Like he was with so many things about Sicheng. It really wasn’t news anymore at this point. The whole whipped thing, he was pretty sure he was for Sicheng. Until someone showed him a downside to being head over heels in love, he’d not really do anything about it, though.

“That tickles.” Sicheng squeaked when Yuta petted the inside of his ears. Sicheng’s squeaks also were extremely adorable because they were so low.

“Sorry. They’re so nice and soft.”

Sicheng blushed and rolled to hide his face. “I guess.”

“We only have five minutes until midnight,” Yuta said when his eyes fell on the clock. “I was thinking, maybe we can see the fireworks better from the balcony? Do you mind going out there?”

“No, I’d like that.” Sicheng sat up and brushed his hair down.

Yuta picked up the blanket from the backrest and wrapped it around Sicheng, who looked at him in surprise.

“It’s cold outside. Come one.” Yuta held out his hand and Sicheng took it to let him pull him off the couch.

It _was_ cold, colder than expected, and Yuta thought it had been the right decision to stay here, where he only had to step outside for a few moments before returning to the warmth of the flat.

“Here.” Sicheng wrapped and arm around him, pushing the edge of the blanket over his shoulder.

“Thanks.” Yuta grabbed it, and held still as Sicheng snuggled against him.

“How much time is left?” Sicheng whispered, staring into the sky. Seoul was star-less, the light pollution not giving them a chance to shine.

“Maybe a few seconds?” Yuta guessed.

They waited in silence, and Yuta watched the small clouds, their breaths turned into, mix and disappear.

Then, the first burst of fire flashed over the sky and Sicheng gasped, his hands suddenly grabbing Yuta’s arm.

“Look!”

Yuta, in surprise, looked at Sicheng instead of the sky.

The light of the firework reflected in Sicheng’s eyes, so full of pure wonder and admiration Yuta felt his heart swell in affection.

“It’s so beautiful! You were right!” Sicheng whispered and Yuta turned to finally appreciate the fireworks, too. But they didn’t live up to the beauty of Sicheng, so, he turned away again.

After the last light had exploded in the sky, Sicheng blinked and realised Yuta was staring.

He was so close, his breath ghosted over Yuta’s face like it often did when they were curled up to watch something together, and Yuta wished there wasn’t any distance between them for the nth time.

Like time had slowed down, Sicheng leaned closer, little by little.

But then, he stopped.

“Uh. I, uh, I really liked that, thank you for staying to watch it with me.” He softly said.

“It was even better like this.” Yuta hadn’t seen much of the firework, anyway.

“Yuta-Hyung, I… do you… by any chance… like me?”

Yuta felt like someone had dumped cold water over his head. He hadn’t exactly made it a secret, but the question was so straight forward, presented in a way that didn’t sound very promising…

“Yes. I like you. A lot.” Yuta didn’t even have to think about it. He had said it before, and he would say it to whoever asked. He was playing with open cards. He knew that was a dangerous game, but so far, he hadn’t felt any reason to worry. Sicheng hadn’t been as open about it as himself, but Yuta had been sure he had been reading his signs as reciprocating his affection.

“Because I really think that you should maybe focus your attention on someone else, someone more… interesting than me.”

“Do you find it annoying? Or overbearing?” Yuta asked, feeling a little confused. Was this Sicheng turning him down? It didn’t really sound like it. It sounded like more insecurities and doubts.

“No. I, actually, I really uh, but I’m not really worth the effort, I think. And I don’t want you to waste your time on me, it’d be such a pity, you deserve better.”

“Wait, you’re turning me down because you think I deserve better?” Yuta asked, feeling like he had greatly underestimated, yeah, downright forgotten a very important thing in his musings over where their relationship was, where it could go – at least at this point.

“I… guess?” Sicheng stared at the ground now.

Yuta had to order his thoughts, to keep from bluntly telling Sicheng he had to be insane.

“How about we go inside?” he suggested when he felt Sicheng shiver.

 

On the sofa, it was nice and warm, but Yuta felt like the reality of the situation was hitting him stronger.

“Sicheng, I don’t know where to start. But let me get this out of the way first. I think you’re very much deserving of everything! And… maybe you think I only like your face? But that’s not true. Yes, I think you’re really beautiful and cute. If you think I’m that superficial, it’s actually a little offensive, but I know you didn’t mean that.”

“No, you’re… no, I didn’t.” Sicheng gasped and finally looked up. There were tears in his eyes and he brought his hand up to his neck. He sometimes did that, when he was distressed. Yuta wasn’t sure, but it might be a similar reaction as himself grabbing his wrists. He still remembered the red and sore skin Sicheng had had when he first came. If he put one and one together, he got to the assumption Sicheng had been punished with a shock collar, and certain situations triggered that memory.

“I know. I know you didn’t. But that’s what it boils down to: You think you don’t have anything else to offer, don’t you?”

“I… I don’t. I’m boring, Yuta-Hyung. I can’t move on, not really. Ten-Hyung did so much better than me, look at him, he’s so happy now, he overcame his problems so quickly. And me? I’m still unable to even leave the house.”

Sicheng had both his hands on his neck now, tears rolling over his cheeks, and Yuta felt like crying himself. He reached out, to put his hands on top of Sicheng’s, and he feared he would jerk away. Sicheng didn’t. He held still and let Yuta try to soothe him. He wasn’t sure if it worked, but it was his best try.

“Okay, well, if you’re all that, then I’m a constant failure in life because I sometimes can hardly stand up in the mornings because depression literally cripples me. I’m the biggest disappointment because despite the help being right there, I didn’t get it, I caused Taeil-Hyung the most misery out of everyone.”

Sicheng stared at him with wide eyes, but then started shaking his head.

“Sounds ridiculous to you? That’s how ridiculous your ideas sound to me. And you’re right. I’m not what I just said. It’s part of me, but it only has as much power over me as I give it. I made mistakes, but I learnt from them, I apologised for them. I showed I actually changed, so, I was forgiven. I have forgiven myself. I have Taeil-Hyung, I have the others, who are my family, I have friends. I love them, with all my heart. And they all love me back. I deserve that love. I use every day to learn, to work on myself, to become happy, to become a better person, but most importantly: to love myself. I like hugging people, I like watching romance Anime, I like sports, football in particular, I enjoy being around people, and I truly appreciate my job as a nurse. There’s more to me than just depression and sadness.

“Of course, I could go ahead and compare myself to someone else. Jeno, maybe. He was neglected, and then found in the house of his dead breeder, who hadn’t bothered to find anyone to take care of her Hybrids after her death. But look at him, he’s happy, trusting, out there. Why can’t I be happy, when he is? It’s because I’m not him, and thank god I’m not, because imagine how it’d be if we all were the same. That’d be the truly boring scenario. Every individual is different, if you compare yourself to others, you’re not being fair to yourself, nor to the other person. Because you have so many different variables that you’re incomparable. No one shares your experience, your life, your emotions. They make you yourself, and there’s only one single version of you in this whole world. How can you be boring, if you’re completely unique?”

Sicheng’s hands were still on his neck, and Yuta’s on top of his.

“I… I don’t know.” That was where the root of the problem was. Now, that Yuta had realised, he felt like he really understood. Whatever they had been building lacked its foundation. That was why Sicheng hadn’t been able to see the hope where Yuta had.

“Okay. It’s okay to not know. And I… I love you, regardless. But I know that you can’t love me back if you can’t love yourself first.”

Sicheng nodded, a small sob leaving his lips. It was heart-breaking. Yuta wished he could take this, all of this, and make it go away, make this easier for Sicheng. But he couldn’t. In the end, these struggles were what you needed to grow.

 

By the time Taeil and the rest of the party – minus their guests – returned, Sicheng had gone to bed and Yuta was on the kitchen table, tracing the pattern of the wood.

He was sad. He couldn’t deny that. But it wasn’t a hopeless type of sadness. Because it wasn’t hopeless.

Patience. Time. Yuta knew that was what they needed. If he gave their relationship that, he knew it wasn’t hopeless.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [CuriousCat](https://curiouscat.me/Fox_155)


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> re-worked November 2019

Sicheng woke up feeling like he had a hangover. He had cried so much that his head was pounding, his face was swollen, his eyes were puffy and sensitive to the touch, and he felt tired despite having slept for hours. Of course, he hadn’t actually had a drop of alcohol. He wouldn’t want to, he hated the effect it had on him, and Taeil seemed not very eager to let his Hybrids have any, so there wasn’t any to be found in the flat.

No one else was awake yet, or at least hadn’t left their rooms, and after staying up for so long last night it made sense to not be up at 7 am. Sicheng shouldn’t be up either, but his bed felt uncomfortable and he was restless.

Upon shuffling inside, he realised the others had even cleaned up the living room and kitchen from the mountains of food. Sicheng felt bad for not having been any help. He really hadn’t been in any shape to do things other than going right to sleep last night after he had calmed down from his crying fit in Yuta’s arms.

He felt disgusted over the whole ordeal, and he felt relieved at the same time. Hopeless and hopeful, pathetic and empowered. It was just confusing and too much, felt like it was shutting his brain down.

Sicheng stared out over the city. There were a few people on the streets, but not as many as on a normal working day, and he pulled his jacket tighter around himself, goosebumps rising on his skin.

Yuta loved him.

He had said so.

And he loved him regardless of whatever nonsense Sicheng talked.

But he wasn’t the only one battling these demons. Yesterday’s talk had been a wake-up call. Yuta seemed strong outside, but it was because he worked to be. He didn’t wake up like that, he used his skills and ways of coping to allow himself to be that way. It was due to that, that he could even begin to help Sicheng by encouraging him.

That was where Sicheng’s own job started. He couldn’t expect Yuta to keep dragging him out of his negativity, he couldn’t rely on Yuta and take up all his energy, drain him, and leave him with no positivity for himself, when Yuta needed it just like Sicheng did.

He felt guilty for not having realised that before. He had always known that there was this sadness, Yuta had let him in on so much of it, yet he had still not pulled his own weight.

He wanted to. He wanted to be the person next to Yuta, that helped him in turn for when he helped him, not in a one-sided relationship, but in a balanced one, where they could rely on each other.

Because… because he loved Yuta. And because he thought he deserved better – but not in another person, but in a better version of Sicheng himself!

 

“I want to love myself!” Sicheng announced, first thing when he came to see Yixing in the new year.

Yixing was a little surprised, but not in a bad way. Not at all in a bad way. Because, apparently, self-love had been the goal all along.

What a turn of events.

 

Yuta’s words kept echoing in his head, every day.

 

 _I love you, regardless_.

 

When he curled up next to him to read or to watch a new anime together, he no longer feared when it’d be over, no longer tried to hold onto every second because it could be the last. Sicheng had shown his worst side and worries, and Yuta hadn’t dropped him like a hot potato. He wouldn’t. There was no reason to worry.

Because he loved him.

 

Among the things Yuta had said, had been that he struggled to get up in the mornings.

Sicheng generally didn’t, so, from January 2nd on, he turned his alarm to half an hour earlier and was in the kitchen before Taeil, making coffee and rice. When Yuta came from the shower, he could greet him with food, which was sure to make the start into the day easier.

The first time he did it, Taeil fretted if he was alright. But he was. He was very alright. And the genuine smile on Yuta’s face made up for having to peel himself from bed so early, tenfold.

 

While Taeil, Ten, and Xiaojun had to go to court to fight the case against Ten and Xiaojun’s former owners, Sicheng stared at the mirror and attempted to draw himself without hurling the sketchbook out the window. A step to self-acceptance.

While Jeno, Guanheng, Jaemin, Renjun, and Donghyuck were making headlines for being on the front row of the protests asking the question over why Hybrids were treated as objects, when they weren’t, Sicheng tried to reproduce the dishes he had grown up with in China, with Taeyong’s help. The results were questionable, but it was a start. A step to self-care.

While Jungwoo tried to figure out his own place in the office, where Taeil had been overrun by a wave of new patients and needed another doctor helping out desperately, Sicheng wrote out list after list of his own, personal strengths. Things to love about himself. A step to self-love.

And the more he did, the more he thought that… yeah. There was more to himself than anxiety and the most boring personality anyone had ever seen. He actually wasn’t even that boring.

 

Slowly, winter passed, and Sicheng felt like a lot of his problems left with the cold air, snow, and winter fur he painstakingly tried to comb from his tail and ears, and still lost all over the flat that a stressed (and also shedding) Taeyong vacuumed twice a day to keep up.

He still had to cling to either Yuta or Doyoung to walk through Seoul, but he left for things other than seeing Yixing, which was strictly necessary. Supermarkets were the most fascinating place he had ever seen, parks were actually not even that terrible. Still a little cold, but quite beautiful.  

 

By the time the judge ruled in Taeil’s favour, assigning a hefty punishment to the people who had abused and hurt Ten and Xiaojun, which gave the whole Hybrid rights discussion more fire, the first blossoms had started to open all over the city, and the thick winter sweaters were banned to the closets for the rest of the year.

Ten cried tears of happiness. In the end, almost everyone was sobbing, including Taeil, who cried even more rarely than Ten. They weren’t bad tears, though, but tears of relief, that tasted of the start of something new.

Even though Sicheng’s old owners hadn’t been among them, the fact that a brothel had been shut down was revolutionary, and in a way, Sicheng could feel relief through Ten and Xiaojun’s abusers being put to justice.

Maybe, one day, he’d hear that the place he used to be kept at had been closed and that his old handler been incarcerated. Before, it had sounded downright ridiculous. Now, that it had happened, it didn’t seem as absurd anymore.

 

Sicheng had started his 5th private sketchbook and he alternated between drawing Yuta and himself. Occasionally, he also sketched someone else, when they had an interesting expression on. But mainly, it was himself and Yuta.

There wasn’t a goal to meet, no finishing line, but Sicheng felt like he was doing pretty well. And not for the sake of Yuta. At first, it had been. Until he had realised that approach was defeating the purpose. It was okay to want to become better and then be with Yuta, but becoming better because of Yuta wouldn’t work.

He was doing well for himself, because of himself. Sicheng needed to have the patience that Yuta had. Taking time wasn’t selfish and wrong. It was okay.

So, he took whatever time he needed, and it paid off as he felt himself progress in baby-steps. Or maybe it was already toddler-steps now?

Until then, he had what he and Yuta had already built up. It was still there. Sicheng had worried Yuta would pull away, he’d have to start over. But he didn’t. It wasn’t even awkward. Maybe, because Yuta’s feelings never really had been a secret, to begin with.

 

By now, they no longer had to stop Anime every three minutes, so Yuta could explain what was happening. Sicheng had gotten used to the speed of subtitles rushing by. It had helped with his literacy because he learnt new characters that came up.

Some phrases in Japanese were already so familiar he no longer needed a translation for them at all. Yuta often sang openings under his breath. Sicheng knew the words, but he never joined it. He was sure he’d butcher the language beyond understanding. He had evidence for that. It wasn’t belittling himself! It sounded elegant when Yuta said characters’ names. When Sicheng said them, it sounded dorky. He’d rather not embarrass himself in front of a Japanese, especially when that Japanese was the person he was trying to impress.

Yes, he knew Yuta had already confessed his love, but there was no reason not to try and make him fall in love more.

“I feel like she should have worn a wig. If she’s not wearing make-up to school, there’s no way the guys would have recognised her with it and with different hair.”

“This isn’t about what makes sense, Hyung!” Sicheng whined and shoved the chuckling Yuta, who toppled over easily, still laughing, while the outro of the new Anime he had suggested ran over the screen.

With Xiaojun and Kun now also living in Yuta’s room, instead of Jaehyun, they had switched to watching Anime in Sicheng’s. It was still kind of nerve-wracking to have Yuta sit on his bed, even after months. Sometimes, the scent of him lingered on the sheets and Sicheng buried his nose in them at night.

“I was just teasing!” Yuta grinned through the fringe falling into his eyes. His hair had grown out quite long, so long he sometimes tied it up for work. Doyoung had suggested tying his ears up with it, and Sicheng had nearly suffocated from trying to suppress his laughter while Yuta had lamented about animal abuse.

“I’ll make fun of Sailor Uranus next time.” Sicheng huffed and flopped down on top of Yuta. He smelt nice, as he always did, and Sicheng’s heart picked up a beat as he felt the warmth of Yuta’s body seep into his own.

“Don’t you dare!” Yuta gasped, and Sicheng giggled.

“How will you stop me?”

“Well, obviously I cannot share the most perfect Anime of all times with a heathen,” Yuta complained.

“But if I wanna watch it?” Sicheng asked, looking up at Yuta. The effect was immediate: he faltered quicker than a piece of paper in rain.

“Okay, of course, we can still watch it.”

Satisfied, Sicheng laid his head to rest of Yuta’s chest again.

“I think I can start wearing t-shirts soon.” Sicheng had tried once a week ago, but it had been very chilly and in the end, he had pulled on a hoodie on top. The sun was gaining power each day, so he hoped it’d now be warm enough.

He felt Yuta starting to comb his fingers through his hair.

“Yeah, probably.”

“What about you? You don’t wear any, right?” Sicheng had noticed that last summer. There were three people who never wore short sleeves: Johnny, Jaehyun, and Yuta.

He knew Jaehyun had skin eczema that he felt self-conscious about and that also didn’t do well with sun exposure, which explained the long sleeves. But for Johnny and Yuta, the clothing remained a mystery.

“No, not anymore,” Yuta muttered. He ran a hand up Sicheng’s left ear. He often did that, Yuta frequently said his ears were pretty and cute. Sicheng hadn’t really cared much about his ears, they were just… ears? But in an effort of self-love, he had started to pay them more attention himself. At first, it had tickled when Yuta started running his fingers over them on a regular basis, but Sicheng had gotten used to it, and it now only sent butterflies to his tummy. More than there already were.

He looked up and found Yuta staring at the ceiling, eyes full of regret and misery. Sicheng didn’t like the expression, he wanted to make it go away.

“Why not? Is it a sad reason?”

“I… I guess it is, yeah.” Yuta nodded slowly.

Sicheng had realised that sadness for Yuta often was a reason. It was also why he so often stuck to answering he liked what Sicheng liked. Just how Yuta helped him with his anxiety, Sicheng wanted to help Yuta with his depression, wanted to reassure and support him. Now more than before.

“That’s okay, sadness is also an important emotion.”

“I guess. But it’s not really all that good a look.” Yuta muttered.

“I disagree.”

“You disagree? H-how?”

“I think you’re very handsome regardless.” Sicheng felt his face flush at the words.

They hadn’t openly talked about the elephant in the room, since New Year. About feelings. They had just pushed it into the corner and continued life until the time was right to bring it back up. Sometimes, there were compliments. Sometimes, Sicheng found his eyes lingering, sometimes, Yuta’s did as well.

He had to figure himself out first, Sicheng knew that.

The process wasn’t finished yet. Doubt still lingered. It might linger forever, Sicheng thought, just how darkness was a battle Yuta would be involved in forever. The goal was that he wasn’t letting it dictate his thoughts and his life anymore.

“Uh… okay?” Yuta stuttered, and Sicheng felt like he wasn’t really believing it.

So, he slipped from his grasp and leaned over to his bedside table. It had a drawer he could lock, which was where he kept all the private sketching books. He pulled it open and grabbed the first one with shaky hands. It was a little older, still had a lot of Yuta, and not so much Sicheng in it. It didn’t matter which one he’d pick, Yuta’s low phases were frequent enough to be presented in all of them, sometimes longer, sometimes shorter. Quickly, he sat back down next to Yuta and pushed the book into the surprised dog’s hands.

“Here. There’s proof you are. Handsome.” Sicheng couldn’t really look at him, feeling much too nervous over showing this. No one else had seen it before, not even Taeil of Yixing.

“Isn’t this your secret sketchbook?” Yuta carefully asked.

“Yeah.” Sicheng was surprised Yuta would recognise it.

“Uh… should I really?” Yuta swallowed.

“Just open it!” Sicheng quickly reached over to do it for him, before he could actually chicken out.

Silently, Yuta flipped through the pages, and whenever Sicheng sneaked a glance, more wonder had appeared on his face.

“Sorry if it’s creepy.” He whispered when Yuta had finished.

“N-no it’s not,” Yuta returned, and Sicheng looked up.

“D-do you like it? It’s not even that good.”

“Sicheng, it’s not only good, it’s amazing. I don’t know what to say, other than stop putting yourself down!” Yuta poked his finger into Sicheng’s chest.

“Right.” Sicheng had forgotten for a moment. Instead of scolding himself for forgetting, he thought of a positive way to re-approach it, how Yixing helped him do every week. “I… I really improved. Drawing you. This does sound very creepy.”

“It’s okay, you can sound creepy if you’re acknowledging you’re doing well!” Yuta smiled and gently caressed Sicheng’s cheek.

Sicheng wanted to lean forward and kiss him. He wanted to so, so much.

Too early, his brain supplied. He had just belittled himself, without even thinking about it. He wasn’t there yet, he couldn’t yet fully contribute to a healthy relationship.

“Just please don’t suddenly start watching me in my sleep because you find it interesting. That would definitely be too creepy.” Yuta pulled back and played with the sketchbook.

“Don’t flatter yourself, I’d fall asleep watching.” Sicheng teased back, and Yuta chuckled, then quieted. They just sat there for a moment, their thighs touching, but nothing else, the silence leaving them both with their own thoughts for a bit. The sound of the laptop shutting itself off from not being used for too long reminded them of reality eventually, then, Yuta took a deep, audible breath, and spoke first:

“The reason for the long sleeves. It’s… it’s…I told you that I… I tried to not live anymore before.”

Sicheng nodded. He remembered that night, months ago. He thought about it from time to time, about the what-ifs, about the risk of it happening again. Now, that Yuta himself brought it back up, it suddenly felt very real.

“I don’t anymore. I overcame it like I told you. I’ve accepted that it’s part of my past, but that’s where it belongs. I don’t want to be constantly reminded, and I don’t want anyone else to be, so I don’t want to show the… evidence. It’s only thing I can’t make peace with because it will never go away. So, I hide it, that’s what I need the long sleeves for.”

He fumbled with the hems of his shirt, glanced up at Sicheng, whose full attention was on Yuta. Finally, he pushed one up and turned the inner side up.

It was hard to miss what Yuta meant.

Sicheng wished to say it was faint, or barely there. But that’d be a lie. The skin was much lighter, a little pink, and elevated against the rest in a thick, straight line, several centimetres long. It was the place where the arteries were so close to the surface Taeil used it to feel a pulse when he did small check-ups.

A place you could easily get fatally hurt at.

Yuta pulled his hand back, the sleeve down over it.

Sicheng was at a loss of words. Luckily, Yuta didn’t always need them. What he needed was support, but it could come in a different form than words. So, Sicheng scooted closer again, and wrapped both his arms around Yuta. It was reassuring, to feel him, solid, with a beating heart.

Yuta nuzzled against him. Usually, it was the other way around, but today, Sicheng was the one giving the strength. He supported Yuta. And it felt good. It felt right. It was what Sicheng wanted.

He couldn’t say he didn’t mind the scars, thought they didn’t matter. Because… they did. They meant something, and they reminded Sicheng, too, of something he hadn’t even experienced. But he wanted to help Yuta not have them taunt him with a past mistake anymore. It wasn’t fair he’d not get to move on from it, just because his body couldn’t heal what his mind had overcome.

“I… I still think you’re wonderful. I’m so lucky I got to meet you, you know? I’m so glad I got you in my life.” Sicheng stuttered eventually.

“Stop it, I’ll cry.”

“You’re already crying, Hyung.”

“I was pretending I wasn’t.” Yuta sniffed and tightened his hold around Sicheng’s torso.

 

In the end, a possible solution for Yuta’s t-shirt situation presented itself in the place Sicheng least expected it: a handicraft magazine he was reading while waiting for Xiaojun to finish with Yixing.

It wasn’t ideal that they both went to see Yixing because the poor man obviously couldn’t split himself and take care of both of them at the same time. From a problem, a challenge for Sicheng had grown. He had suggested he’d go to an earlier appointment than Xiaojun, alone. It had been terrifying the first time, so awful he had run the last three-quarters of the way and arrived sweaty and short-breathed. But he hadn’t given up. Each week it had become a little easier, and by now he usually only ran the last block.

There weren’t that many people still going to the therapy office on a regular basis, actually, it was only him and Xiaojun, everyone else only went to see their therapists occasionally or without a fixed rhythm, but someone had to always accompany Xiaojun. Not because Xiaojun was scared of outside, but because they needed him to be safe. It was usually Doyoung bringing him to the office, and then Sicheng waited for him, and occasionally someone else, to finish, and then they’d go home together.

So, it was during one of those waits for the younger, when Sicheng was reading the newest edition of his favourite knitting magazine, that he found an instruction for hand-knotted bracelets. You could choose from different patterns and use whatever yarn you liked to make a broad, colourful stripe that’d cover a lot of skin. If you layered a few of them, you could easily hide several centimetres.

Sicheng had always enjoyed putting creativity in things. Be it drawing or knitting, it was a way to express himself. He used to think it was just something boring and normal. It wasn’t. Not everyone enjoyed what he did, no one else made exactly the pieces of art he did.

Thinking of Yuta, while trying which yarn worked with which stitch the best, made ideas come to mind so easily that Sicheng had ten matching bracelets finished in only a few days.

In total, he probably had close to 30, but he really wanted them to match and make a pretty overall pattern but also be different from each other. Yuta liked blue, so he had included a lot of that. He though the happiest was the full rainbow – contrary to Ten’s approach of declaring black a happy colour.

Now, the question was, how to hand them over without making it too weird. Sicheng was a little worried Yuta might not like the idea. He really wanted him to like it, after putting in so much love and attention.

So, he chose one of their Anime sessions for giving them to Yuta.

The outro song was fun and upbeat, and Yuta was softly singing to it, tapping his fingers on the computer with the beat.

Sicheng had the bracelets in his pocket, from where he pulled them without even thinking more about it. Like when he had asked for rice after first starting to talk again. It usually worked best without planning too much.

“Hyung, I made these for you.” Sicheng spread the bright bands on the keyboard.

Yuta’s fingers froze and the word got stuck in his throat. He only needed a second to recover though, “Oh my god, so many? They’re so pretty!” Yuta leaned forward and ran his fingers over them.

“Th-thank you. They match, I made them into a rainbow, but it has extra much blue.”

“You remembered…”

“Of course!”

“Do they… move a lot?” Yuta looked up, obviously catching on to the intention.

“If you tie them tightly, they don’t.”

 

It turned out that, when Yuta went to the park in a t-shirt he hadn’t worn for over a year and with several colourful bands around both his arms, he became a trendsetter.

Soon, Jeno, Xiaojun, and Guanheng had matching bracelets with Donghyuck, Renjun, Yangyang, Chenle, and Jisung.

In between them, Yuta didn’t even stand out anymore.

To see he had found a way to give Yuta that freedom back, to wear whatever he wanted without worry, made Sicheng feel proud of himself.

A few months ago, he wouldn’t even have toyed with such an idea, which now he wasn’t afraid to be. He deserved to feel pride over this.

 

Yuta had thanked him countless times, but the best was still to come.

Sicheng was busy stacking his belongings into cardboard boxes when he was interrupted by a knock.

“Yeah?”

Yuta poked his head inside: “I have a present for you. It’s ugly though, but I really tried, so please don’t say anything bad about it.” The upper half of his hair was in a small bun because it was getting out of control. Jungwoo had offered to cut it several times, but Yuta never took him up on the offer.

Sicheng didn’t mind it. It looked handsome. Like everything, obviously.

It felt odd to pack up his whole room, his whole life. The reason was a good one, though: they were moving to a bigger house. An actual house, not a flat. Taeil had looked for months, ever since the lawsuit had ended and he’d been paid reparations and been overrun by new patients.

Sicheng had always had the luxury of his own room, but he was still affected by the overcrowding of their home, mainly because the bathroom was constantly blocked. Fleeing to the public one wasn’t an option either. Even if Sicheng weren’t he biggest prude he personally knew, it was so full he wouldn’t get to shower faster.

Moving was the only solution, and their new house would soon become a home, too, he was sure of it.

He was still grateful for the break from packing and feeling melancholic.

“A present?” Sicheng asked. It was June, his birthday was still four months away, as was Christmas. “Why?”

“Because I felt like it!” Yuta beamed “You’ll understand when you open it.”

Sicheng accepted the bundle. It seemed like Yuta had wrapped it in old newspapers. Sicheng pulled open the tape and revealed a rainbow-coloured band, knotted from yarn. His brows raised in surprise and it felt like a whole swarm of butterflies was living its best life in his stomach when he realised it was the same pattern as one of the bracelets he had given to Yuta. No, not exactly the same pattern, because where Sicheng had incorporated a tiny dog, that barely looked like one, this one had a lump with long ears.

“It’s, uh, it’s a rabbit. Just in case that wasn’t obvious. It’s totally obvious, right? Doyoung said it was an insult to his kind, but he surely just said so.” Yuta cleared his throat.

“I knew it was! It’s obviously a bunny!” Sicheng gasped, and looked up from the bracelet.

Yuta blinked at him.

“Wait, really? You don’t have to say so just to boost my ego. I know it’s pretty bad, but I really tried my best.”

“No, of course, I noticed it was because this makes a matching set!” Sicheng excitedly explained and pulled up Yuta’s left hand, where he knew the bracelet in question was since he had knotted it there. He put it next to the one he had given Yuta, which showed the two looked almost identical. Almost.

“It looks terrible in comparison; I’ll take it back and try again!” Yuta whined, but Sicheng immediately snatched it away from his hands.

“I don’t want a different one.”

Yuta stretched and tried to still grab it, but Sicheng had the edge height wise and held it out of reach. Yuta stubbornly didn’t give up. He went to his tiptoes and used his shoulder to balance himself. Sicheng smelt the scent of his shampoo, and it felt like his body was set aflame where Yuta was pressing against it, his heart racing in his chest.

Yuta seemed to notice he was about to use Sicheng as his personal jungle gym only to get his way, and stared back at him in surprise like he only now realised what he was doing.

He was so close, just centimetres in front of Sicheng. If he leaned forward just a little, just a tiny bit, they’d be kissing. His eyes caught on Yuta’s lips.

He wanted to. He had wanted to for so long. On New Year’s night, he almost had. He was glad he hadn’t back then, it had been too early then.

Now the time would be right, Sicheng was quite sure of it. The crush he had developed so long ago was much more than just shy feelings and constant worry over Yuta growing bored of him.

He had a lot to offer, he could be Yuta’s support, just how Yuta was his.

The only thing holding Sicheng back was, well, it was simply being too nervous. Not for the fear of not being enough, of being rejected, or of anything like that. He was enough!

But because first love was just so incredibly nerve-wracking!

“I mean, I guess you can keep it if you really like it?” Yuta stuttered and pulled back, the distance too big to quickly close now.

“You have to tie it.” Sicheng demanded, but his voice was a little unsteady from adrenaline still pumping through his veins.

“I can do that, at the very least.” Yuta sighed and took the band from Sicheng’s hand. The skin prickled where Yuta touched.

It had nothing to do with the feeling of electricity hurting him, the spark whenever he spoke that had faded to nearly nothing by now.

Rather than that, it was an excitement, similar to the type he felt when he thought about kissing Yuta.

“There.” Yuta pulled away, and Sicheng turned his hand to inspect the bracelet from all angles. It sat snug on his arm, and it didn’t even look that uneven.

“Thank you.” Sicheng looked up and found Yuta still staring at him.

“I can’t believe you’re actually wearing that.” He chuckled.

“I’ll never take it off again.” Sicheng huffed, and Yuta’s cheeks coloured a soft pink, “I really love it!”

“Not as much as I love you.” Realising what he had said, apparently without thinking about it, Yuta blushed a deeper shade of pink, “I-I mean for making these. I also do love you, generally, and this is getting awkward, I’ll shut up now.”

Sicheng felt his own face heat up a bit, hearing Yuta’s words. He had already been confessed to, but it still was just as exciting as the first time Yuta had openly said what could be assumed from his actions already.

Actually, this was probably more exciting than the first time.

Back in winter, Sicheng had been so confused and overwhelmed, he hadn’t felt this pure, raw happiness over the words. Insecurities had blinded him to the point of hardly being able to believe them.

In a way, everything was different now, yet it was the same. He was still Sicheng, and Yuta was still Yuta. But he was a better version of Sicheng, the version that was fully deserving of Yuta’s love, and who could wholeheartedly love him back.

He didn’t think he was good at communicating his feelings, but before Yuta could switch to something light-hearted and let this chance pass just how it had minutes earlier, Sicheng sputtered: “I-.”, he choked on the first syllable and Yuta had to pat his back until he was no longer coughing and gasping for air.

When he was no longer worried about suffocating, Sicheng felt so off the loop he didn’t find the courage to say what he had wanted to anymore. He would. Soon. When he had figured this whole love thing out more.

 

One might think that suddenly having three stories, five bathrooms, ten bedrooms, a laundry room, storage to keep a herd of elephants (okay, a small herd), a kitchen to re-enact a cooking show in, and a hallway long enough for Jaehyun and Jeno to hold races, would mean that Sicheng could wash his face in peace.

Really, there was no reason not to.

It was his own fault for falling back into old patterns. Because of the number of bathrooms, there no longer was the private and the open one, instead, you either locked the door or… didn’t.

Instead of knocking and waiting, how he usually did, Sicheng had just burst into the bathroom because he was running late. He had slept through four alarms, and if he still wanted to be in the kitchen before Yuta, he’d have to hurry.

Too bad he hadn’t considered that Yuta obviously would already be on his way to the kitchen, meaning, he was showering, and Sicheng just so happened to share a bathroom with Yuta.

“Morning.”

Sicheng froze in the door, one foot inside, one still in the hall, as Yuta pulled his towel from the rack, droplets of water running over his body.

“Oh my god.” Sicheng squeaked and turned, slamming the door behind himself. He closed his eyes and tried to calm himself, but the image replayed itself like it was burnt into his eyelids.

Yuta had gained muscle. It was faint but in comparison to last year…

Sicheng pressed his hands to his cheeks. What was he doing?

But his heart wouldn’t stop fluttering.

It wasn’t a reaction he had expected. Last time, he had found himself thinking that Yuta was attractive. It had been an unfamiliar idea. Now he thought he wasn’t just attractive, but actually… really hot.

Sicheng shook his head in hopes of shaking the image out of his brain. Sexual attraction wasn’t a field he dared step a foot into yet. Maybe in the future… he could perhaps give it another try… see for himself how it could be amazing to have intimate moments with a person you trusted, loved, how people said it was.

He knew it might be another difficult path because there were so many easily woken ugly memories, but with the right person, with the right mindset, and with time, he hoped he could get there.

No, he knew he could.

Now the question was if the person he wanted to take on that trip would be willing to join, but actually, Sicheng had very little doubts. Yuta had already been here for all his progress. He trusted he’d be there for whatever else was still to come and offer his unwavering support.

“Oh my god, I nearly hit you with the door again!” Yuta gasped, and Sicheng snapped from his thoughts.

Yuta was dressed in all white, how he usually was for work, but colourful bracelets poked from under the sleeves.

“I didn’t make rice yet! You can’t be finished!” Sicheng yelped, and turned in his spot to dart to the kitchen.

Taeil was already there, and the rice cooker was almost done, too.

“Should I worry?” he asked.

“No. I overslept.” Sicheng mumbled, staring at the timer like it was extremely important.

“Must have been one stressful sleep you had, if you wake up pink from exhaustion.” Taeil grinned.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Only one chapter left, and I'll warn you, it'll be shorter because there's not that much left in this story~
> 
>  
> 
> [CuriousCat](https://curiouscat.me/Fox_155)


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My lovelies, I nearly didn't believe my own two eyes when I saw Nakamoto fucking Yuta’s hair for Music Bank. What a glorious day, what a blessing for my anxious and over-stressed soul. I nearly screamed, but I was at my work’s canteen and that would have been embarrassing.
> 
> re-worked November 2019

Yuta stared at the nearly full moon. The night was warm, so warm he was almost sweating out here, on the balcony. Only the moon was bright enough to overpower Seoul’s countless lights. He’d definitely never see a shooting star here.

It was a little unfortunate because he kind of had a wish to make. Then again, there were no reports on how reliable shooting stars’ wish-fulfilling-abilities were. In the end, he was quite sure he could make it come true from his own powers, just how so many other things in his life.

He took another deep breath of the warm and damp summer air. He’d probably be able to fall back asleep now. He hadn’t woken up in the night with a crying fit in quite long. Today had been the day to break the streak.

It happened. He had calmed down, it was better now. Everything was better, these days. Yuta was about to rub his wrist, but he ended up dragging up and down the many bracelets tied around his arm instead.

He looked down on them, and a tiny smile pulled on his lips.

Each one was different, but they all matched, creating a giant rainbow to cover what he didn’t want to see.

He didn’t know how to thank Sicheng for them. His lousy own version of his favourite to make a matching set with the other was his best try, other than countless verbal reminders. Sicheng had been wearing it non-stop ever since Yuta had wrapped it around his arm, and each time he caught a glimpse, his chest swelled in both affection and pride.

A lot had changed in eight months. Hell, they didn’t even live in the same house anymore.

It had been weird at first. They all thought so. But in the end, change was good. The only acceptable time to stop changing was when you were dead. None of them were, thankfully.

The other door that exited onto the balcony rattled from being pushed open, next, a spot from a flashlight appeared.

Between change, some things stayed the same, like the flashlight with eyed vegetables on it. It was a pretty creepy flashlight in his opinion, but Sicheng loved it.

Sicheng’s brilliantly white hair shone under the moon as he waddled over, clearly still sluggish from sleep.

“Bad dreams?” Yuta softly asked and Sicheng flopped down so close he was nearly sitting in his lap.

“Yeah. You, too?”

“Mhm.”

Sicheng’s ears were impossibly soft under Yuta’s fingers, and he gently petted them. Lethargy quickly took over, and his eyelids grew droopy.

“We should go back to bed.” Yuta softly suggested, but Sicheng didn’t answer.

Worried, if he was maybe more upset than he had seemed, Yuta leaned over to see his face.

But instead of any trace of sadness, Sicheng’s face was completely relaxed, his mouth opened a little, and his eyes closed, chest rising and falling steadily.

Yuta cooed softly. He wanted to press his lips against Sicheng’s cheek and pull him tighter.

But he couldn’t. Not yet. One day, maybe. A bit more patience.

“Sicheng. Hey. You can’t sleep here.” Yuta whispered, but Sicheng didn’t seem to hear a single thing, lost in peaceful slumber.

What kind of monster would Yuta be if he woke him?

But he couldn’t leave him out here, either.

So, he pushed his arms under the bunny and picked him up.

Thankfully, the way to Sicheng’s bed wasn’t far or his muscles would have probably given out. Not that Sicheng was unreasonably heavy, but he was 1.80 of fully-grown adult, and Yuta wasn’t hitting the gym on a daily basis to carry around the people of his choice, like Johnny.

Yuta softly groaned when he laid Sicheng down on his blankets. He’d probably sweat to death under them, so Yuta didn’t bother tugging him in and pulled away.

Only to realise he couldn’t. Because Sicheng had grabbed his shirt.

“Sicheng. Let me go. Please. I need to sleep.” Yuta softly argued, but sleeping-Sicheng wasn’t a good debate partner, because he didn’t budge.

Yuta tried to rip himself free, but sleeping-Sicheng wasn’t willing to let that happen either.

Kun and Xiaojun had shared a twin bed for months, there was nothing inherently sexual about that, was there? Nothing that needed consent, if Yuta kept his hands to himself. And he was going to. He was just borrowing a bit of mattress space from Sicheng.

Because he was dead tired.

 

Yuta woke from a shrill alarm that wasn’t his. That was the first thing he realised.

The second thing was that he was sweating and it was entirely too hot.

Had he slept with a blanket? A heating blanket?

That couldn’t be right, it was July, for crying out loud!

A groan came from Yuta’s heating blanket, and he forced his eyes open, to realise his heating blanket also had white bunny ears and hair.

Sicheng moved, and now his ears were in Yuta’s face, tickling his nose until he sneezed.

“Wha? Yuta-Hyung?” Sicheng jerked up and seemed to only now realise his full-body-sized pillow was actually a person. His hair was messy and stuck up in some places, and his eyes were puffy from sleep, but he looked absolutely beautiful to Yuta – as he always did.

“Sorry, you wouldn’t let me leave,” Yuta explained, his how voice still husky from sleep. It was definitely too early for a racing heart, but here he was.

“I… what? Oh my god, I’m so sorry!” Sicheng hurried to remove himself from his job as a heating blanket. “I hope you still slept well!” he stuttered, face flushing.

“I slept wonderfully. Did you?” Yuta wasn’t exaggerating, he had slept better than he usually did. And it was likely due to Sicheng being here.

“Uh. Yeah, Actually, I slept really well.”

Before he could say more, the alarm ripped through the peacefulness of the morning again, and Sicheng startled, before hurrying to switch it off.

“We should, uh, get up.” Sicheng gestured to the room.

Yuta kind of didn’t want to. But not for the usual reasons, no. He really wanted to go back to cuddling with Sicheng.

He checked the clock and saw there were still ten minutes to spare before he had to hit the shower, so, he patted the sheets next to himself, “Five more minutes.”

Sicheng eyed his alarm in worry but luckily seemed to come to the executive decision that he could allow the lazy time. He flopped down, right next to Yuta, and despite the warmth, Yuta tugged his arm into the crook of Sicheng’s to pull him up against himself, leaving no distance between their bodies. Sicheng sighed in content and nuzzled his head against Yuta.

It felt like the bed was made from clouds, carrying Yuta over love-city or something equally kitschy. He wanted to never let go, just keep this warm, comfortable mushiness in his chest forever, and feel the beat of Sicheng’s heart against his arm where he was pressed up against Yuta

 

The Sicheng-cuddling effect seemed long-term, letting Yuta sleep wonderfully for days. And there was another Sicheng effect that made getting up easier, too.

He pulled on his hair. He wasn’t even sure why he had let it grow out so much, there wasn’t much of a reason, it had just happened. Now he was attached and felt like he’d lose something if Jungwoo cut it. The stubborn strands finally complied and allowed him to tie it up. There really was no other way to wear it for work other than in a small ponytail or bun. Both Xiaojun and Sicheng had also tried some braiding options before, but Yuta found himself incapable of replicating them.

There was a knock on the door, and after answering, Sicheng poked his head inside.

“Hyung, there’s cookies. Do you want any?”

“Of course!” Yuta smiled.

He knew it couldn’t be a coincidence that Sicheng had started to always (almost always) stand up before him since New Year when he had told him about his struggles in the morning.

It didn’t make them go away, but, again, it became a weapon for Yuta. If he knew Sicheng would be smiling at him in the kitchen, that was a huge motivation to get up.

 

The more Sicheng improved his mental health, the more beautiful he became. To think that was even possible was insane, but the confidence made his beauty shine brighter every day.

Yuta was incredibly proud of him. The more Sicheng dared to do, the more his personality developed, the more Yuta fell in love.

Instead of feeling like it was a battle he was helping Sicheng fight, it was now more like he was giving support for some small disputes. Where everything had been baby steps, it was starting to become a light jog.

 

And not the only jog Yuta was taking.

“Hyung, break!” Sicheng gasped and Yuta slowed his steps into a quick walk, rather than run, as Sicheng breathed like he had just finished a marathon.

“Don’t over-hurry your breathing, or it’ll exhaust you easier and you can easily get a stitch, keep it steady.” Yuta reminded him, and Sicheng tried to put it into action, but he was still puffing for air. His face was tinged pink and shining from a sheen of sweat. Yuta had to bite the inside of his cheek, to keep from cooing and starting to pet Sicheng all over.

They were hard at work here! No time for cuddling.

“I feel like I’m 100 years old!” Sicheng lamented, still catching his breath.

The weird thing was: he only struggled when he was intentionally working out. Sicheng actually had incredible stamina and strength the second his instincts kicked in and had him flee. Obviously, Yuta didn’t want him to be distressed and running from danger, regardless of how impressive it was. Plus, it was very fun to train with him, and Yuta was pleased to be able to show off and share his ‘wisdom’.

“Well, you’re definitely the cutest 100-year-old I know.” Yuta beamed and Sicheng whined.

They were alone on the shore of the Han, the sun starting to set.

After 8 pm, hardly anyone was still walking here, so, it was the perfect place and time to take Sicheng for training. People still were a big problem for him, but every day he was improving. He could leave the house on his own now. What seemed like a given to most, was a huge, no, giant step for Sicheng, one that made Yuta burst in happiness.

“Okay, I think we can run again.” The bunny announced, and Yuta picked up the pace until they were jogging over the pavement once more.

Their run was exactly 5 kilometres, 2.5 each direction, plus a few hundred metres back to their house. It was a good length to get started on, but the reason why Yuta chose this, out of every possible path, was the point where 2.5 kilometres were done and they always took a three-minute break before going back.

It was a simply stunning place of quiet. It gave the perfect view over Seoul, be it night or day, and there was a bench embedded in bushes of roses.

They had interrupted more than one date here, and incredibly flustered couples had quickly hurried from sight, but it was too beautiful to let some accidental observation of PDA stop them.

The bench came into sight, and Sicheng yipped in joy through his huffing. He was so adorable, really, there was nothing that could compare.

Yuta let Sicheng pull ahead for the last few steps, and he slapped the wood of the bench, announcing “Winner!” with a brilliant smile. Yuta wasn’t too competitive anymore. He used to be quen he had been younger. Sometimes he still was, with the younger Hybrids, but with Sicheng it was so much more rewarding to see him happy and excited over being first.

Yuta checked the Samsung watch on his wrist. “We improved by 18 seconds compared to last time.”

“Next thing we know we’ll be winning Olympic medals.” Sicheng deadpanned, and Yuta burst into laughter.

The first time he had made an ironic remark, Yuta had pinched himself to see if he was dreaming. He hadn’t. Sicheng didn’t often, but there was a side to him that liked to tease. It was just another trait, which had only gotten to blossom now that he had overcome what had held him back. It wasn’t like he had become a cynic prankster. Most of his remarks were teasing, but cute, fitting in with how he usually was. And no one was safe, not even Ten!

Needless to say, Yuta was head over heels for it.

The sun was low in the sky, already setting earlier than last week, announcing summer was coming to a close. Yuta used to dread winter. This year… he didn’t think it’d be too bad. He had proved to himself it didn’t have to be, last year. He could do it again. It was ridiculous to let a season dictate his life, much more so if just the aspect of the season coming was already making him fear it. He was no longer giving anyone that power over himself, over his happiness.

Plus, winter meant he could wear his Christmas sweater.

“Hyung, look, there’s ducks!” Sicheng had suddenly grabbed his hand and was wildly gesturing over the river. Yuta squinted to see them. Indeed, there was a small family of them, the male standing out with his bright colours between the plainer females.

“Did you think…” Yuta turned Sicheng’s direction but found that he was already looking at him, and the words died on his tongue.

His face was illuminated by the warm light of the sunset, making him almost glow. It felt like the city around them turned into background noise, soft, barely there, only Sicheng mattered in his mind right now. Yuta didn’t notice he was leaning closer until he felt his breath ghost over his lips.

“Do you… do you think the time is right?” Sicheng whispered, his deep voice like honey, but holding a hint of insecurity.

It might never leave. But Sicheng had long stopped letting it control his whole life.

The times during which Yuta was the one constantly building him up, using his energy on Sicheng in hope of seeing him improve were long over. He hadn’t minded it back then. But it hadn’t been a base for more.

Now, there was this base, something that real love, a real relationship could grow on top of.

“I think it is. Do you?” Yuta whispered back, never breaking the gaze into Sicheng’s eyes. They were like a black hole he frequently got lost in.

“Yeah.”

Sicheng came even closer until his lips brushed over Yuta’s.

It was shy at first until Yuta dared lean in a bit more and carefully moved his lips to kiss back properly.

It felt like a firework exploded in his chest, and nothing was important anymore other than how Sicheng’s lips felt on his, and how he had been wishing for this, waiting for this, for so long.

This was his first kiss, but it was already incomparable. Nothing how he had expected it to feel because it was so much better.

He had felt close to Sicheng before. They talked a lot, they cuddled even more, but this was another level.

It felt like much too soon, when Sicheng pulled away.

Reality took a second to come back into focus, and Sicheng was still staring at him, his cheeks bright pink now.

“Wow, that was…” Yuta mumbled, not finding the words to describe it. Exhilarating, wonderful, amazing.

“Was it okay?” Sicheng softly asked.

Yuta poked his finger into his chest, making Sicheng yelp, then grabbed his shirt and pulled him closer to kiss him again. He never wanted to stop, but then there was obnoxious, loud giggling, the sound of a camera shutter, and Yuta pulled away and opened his eyes.

Very familiar figures jumped from the flowers, still laughing hysterically, and started running down the path they had come from.

Sicheng stared after them with big eyes, then looked at Yuta, then down the street again.

“Did… did they just take a photo?”

“Seems like it.” Yuta didn’t feel too upset. He was perfectly aware it wasn’t proper to kiss on the open street, but he had no regrets. It seemed like Sicheng saw that differently, though.

“They… that’s… we can’t tolerate that! We need to assert dominance, we’re their Hyungs!” he huffed. He turned in his place and pulled on Yuta’s arm, dragging him along.

Yuta found himself just following along, as Sicheng gave chase and yelled down the street:

“Jeno! Jaemin! Get back here and give me that phone right this second! Delete that immediately!”

“No way, we have a bet with Donghyuck!”

“Sorry, Sicheng-Hyung!”

“I said come back here! Respect your elders!”

The two puppies screeched and picked up the pace, but Sicheng seemed to have released his instincts’ stamina from somewhere and didn’t give up.

Had someone told Yuta a year ago he’d find himself in this scenario, Sicheng dragging him down the street and yelling after cheeky juniors, he would have laughed as uncontrollably as Jeno and Jaemin were right now.

Time and patience had brought him where he wouldn’t have ever believed he’d get to.

But it wasn’t an end, it was a starting point, for much, much more life still had in store for him – and for Sicheng. For them both.

Together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed this little story about Yuwin. If you’re curious to read more, maybe check out Moon Diamond and/or Lion Heart, they both appear in there as well~
> 
> Thank you for reading <3 
> 
>  
> 
> [CuriousCat](https://curiouscat.me/Fox_155)


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